Better Late Than Never!

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I am a bit late, but it's better late than never right? Let me first say that I have the best husband ever. He will probably never read this, but I want everyone else to know that I KNOW how lucky I am. This is a little bit about Coasts birth...The week before Fathers Day I started nesting...and I MEAN nesting. I don't think I have ever been so tired but soooo full of energy at the same time. Jason and I spent 3.5 days straight (Well he went to work as well but after lol) cleaning the house from top to bottom. I was 36 weeks 3 days when this started. I knew I was getting close to having him, but I had already had a little nesting earlier around 32-33 weeks so it really didn't faze me at all. Around 36 weeks 6 days when I was cleaning, Minnie (Our Morkie) started acting REALLY weird around me...she stopped coming around me at all. She would almost hide from me. I couldn't understand why. Well 36 weeks 7 days (This was a friday; most would say 37 weeks but that's not how the Doctor had it..lol) in the evening I started feeling like I was getting the flu. I actually rode the bike home from my inlaws because I didn't want to interrupt my husband and Ember's time over there (they were watching Ghost Busters...which by the way I have never actually watched...lol)...I laid in bed and started to feel awful but didn't think much of it. Saturday I woke up feeling pretty crampy and my back hurt pretty good. I just felt overall...well...like I was a miserable pregnant beached whale. 

Saturday was a big day, Shantel my sister had planned this big party for the girls since their birthdays are so close. I was exhausted and honestly as much as I tried to look forward to it, I was struggling. (btw it was a blast...I just felt horrible lol) I had to push through a lot of the uncomfortable feeling...even my dad noticed I wasn't feeling very well. I would have to go inside and just sit because I kept feeling crampy and my back was really hurting. The party got over and we came home and needed to start cooking for a BBQ because we were having some friends over. I felt pretty okay by about that time, but still just not myself. That evening I really started feeling it. Jason and I started to time the contractions and they were about 5-6 minutes apart and lasted for about 40-50 seconds...he thought we should go in, but I just didn't feel like it was time so I told him I was going to take a bath...which made me feel a little better. OH BTW...earlier in the day Jason decided that we needed to put the bags by the door along with the carseat...I told him we weren't going in anytime soon so why make the mess...people come in right there??? lol Well I finally fell asleep after taking the bath...

Sunday rolls around HAPPY FATHER'S DAY....I felt it...I was feeling quite a bit of pressure to the point that sitting for too long wasn't working...so we stayed home. My inlaws actually took Ember to church for us. We invited them over for breakfast (yes we used the grill again and then again for dinner that night lol) and then again for a BBQ that evening...we thought, "Why not? We have the stuff... lol" I pushed through Sunday pretty much hoping that no one would notice the pain and pressure I was feeling lol...(btw that morning I actually put the bags back in the room and the carseat back in the baby's room so that it would look clean...I DID NOT SPEND ALL THAT TIME CLEANING FOR IT TO BE MESSY AGAIN hahaha)...Sunday night rolls around...I was contracting pretty good and my back felt like it was on fire and like someone was taking all my muscles and everything and twisting them...yeah it was awful. We started timing them again....3-5 minutes and lasted for a little over 1 minute...yeah it was tolerable, but I wasn't loving it. Jason got up and put the bags in the car...I was laughing because I was thinking there is no way this baby is coming this early...it's just not happening (37.1 days). Well...I finally decided that for both of us we should go in....we would just feel better about it.... well about 11:00-11:30 we text Jason's mom about coming over and "camping out" with Ember for a little while... she agreed and her and the girls came right over. (I told them don't worry, we will be back lol....yeah we will....) We left and got to the hospital a little after midnight...the doors were closed over by the side you walk into for L&D....I didn't know my way around there so I didn't realize there was a stinking button...soooo we walked back which wasn't very far but for me it felt like miles at that point. (do you know how hard it is to be totally smiling during this? yeah....um...no LOL...however I think I pulled through pretty well).

We went around to the emergency door and just explained that I needed to get to L&D....like now..."is this an emergency she asks?" um...no not really but I need someone to get me there please.....(FREAKING PLEASE lol). A guy walks us up there...I have a contraction while we are walking...yeah he was walking fast..I was like "Jas', I gotta stop for a minute haha...." we finally get up to L&D and by about this time my contractions are starting to get to me...they hook me up...oh and did I mention I told them I wanted to keep my top stuff on because it's just too much work putting it all back on if we go home...because I was planning on it? yeah....I kept them on. So they hook me up and yup...my contractions are pretty dang regular...they decide to check me...I'm thinking "Meh....it's gonna be the same as my apt last week 1cm dilated...."...well they checked me...which by the way was during a contraction..HOLY CRAP...PLEASE NEVER AGAIN....that was some bad stuff right there....I was 3.5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I thought, "okay so I am not close we can go home. They told me to walk around for a while and they would check again in about 30-45 minutes. I agreed and got my sandals on. I paced those halls for what seemed like FOREVER...each contractions getting stronger and me getting that much more shaky...grabbing onto Jason during the especially awesome ones is probably what kept me from falling down. I had to joke and tell Jason after a really strong one that it just stole 5 years of my life it was so bad. I remember looking down am my hand after one really bad one and my knuckles were white and hands were red from squeezing so hard. 

We go back to the room and they check me. 4.5 cm and 90% effaced...yeah I wasn't going home....this was around 1:30-2:00 ish. I got to the room for the delivery and might I say by this time I was ready to give a few choice words, but still tried to make jokes about it....They said I could have the epidural..I was like HALLE-FREAKING-LUJAH...aaand then I had to wait. I had to wait for them to take my blood and check my platelet counts because they were plummeting towards the end there. This felt like hours. They got my results...I WAS OKAY TO GET IT...YAY!!!! So I told them..."WHY NOT? Let do it!" They say okay he is about 20 minutes away....I can wait that long...well 20 minutes passed....haha...yeah not there...30 minutes...still not there..."WHERE IS HE?" 

He finally gets there...this is where it gets good. Jason was my support through all of this. He was holding my hand while the nurse held me so I could get this thing in me and feel amazing again...the guy was like, put your chin to your chest....(I didn't know this, but Jason did this too...you aren't suppose to do that.) Well he asked if I was feeling anything uncomfortable...."um...no the burning down my right hip and leg feels awesome!"....I told him...yeah the pressure and burning down right hurts...well Jason all of a sudden is letting my hand go....I am holding on to it tight thinking...."This is it honey..don't bail!" he goes and sits down and the nurse asks if "dad" is okay...he goes "Or sorts". He starts to lay down and then all of a sudden I see his body just go down on the ground. He hits his head and face on a few things... they wake him up which was just seconds later...I started laughing...the nurse thinks I am crying...nope I was laughing..she goes "it's okay honey, he's okay"....I follow with "I am not crying, that's hilarious...." yeah she started laughing and telling him that she wasn't laughing at him but at me because I was laughing...I was like whatever...you know you are laughing at him... (poor anesthesiologist was probably like "woman I can't get this in when you are doing this!) After a while we had everyone laughing...basically Jason and I were there for comic relief that early morning. 

FINALLY I am starting to feel better...I couldn't sleep. I thought I would from feeling so much better but I honestly couldn't sleep. time kept going. I just waited...they checked me again and I was 100& and a 7!!! WOAH...I was close! So we waited and they just let me labor down to minimize any real devastation down there (you ladies know where). With Ember I had 2 episiotomies and still tore 3rd degree...I did NOT want that again. Well they come in a couple hours later...I am stuck at a 7....great....ugh....so she says, "well baby is handling the laboring down really well so we will just keep going" This is where my epidural starts to wear off...on one side...and partially in my back...I guess the dang thing works with gravity? Yeah I was feeling it...I thought I was going to break the dang rail off the bed. I tried not to be too loud, but I actually started crying about this point because wow...that pain is unbearable! I pushed that green button for more and waited...nothing...I did it again when that beautiful green button showed up....NOTHING...I pushed it 3 times.....nothing...I finally told the nurse...it's not working...she checks me and I am STILL A FREAKING 7....she says, "lets turn you because I think that's the problem...it might help with the epidural working on the one side as well" soooo I was put on my left side. IT WORKED! it worked a little too well oops...I was so numb I couldn't even feel the pressure...double oops....a few minutes later she checks me and goes, "you are ready!" ( I was like, "WHAT?" now I feeling a little anxious lol)...so Jason gets up from sleeping (or maybe just laying idk...but he was covered up from head to toe...so I hope he was sleeping a little)....well Coast started to get a little stressed so we started pushing...I pushed and pushed and pushed...Coast would start to get there and everyone would see him, but when I would stop to take a breather, he would go back up....he did this several times...I was starting to get exhausted. This is when Dr. Dyer comes into the picture...he notices that Coast is actually transverse....yeah...had my birth canal not been so narrow I might have been able to deliver him that way with not problems. We continued to push and push...at this point I was on oxygen. I hated that stupid thing...I HATE things in my face and so they ended up just holding it in front of it...which still was causing some major anxiety might I say. I pushed and pushed for over an hour. At this point Coast's little hear rate started dropping and then would eventually come back up....this was scarring everyone and that's when lots of people started coming into the room. Everyone was telling me to push as hard as I can...(I thought that's what I had been doing!)...I continued to push and push, he would get SOOOO close but then would just get sucked back up there. I remember at this point just looking up at the ceiling at the lights thinking, "This isn't happening...I don't think I can make it...I feel so weak...can I be done?" (I guess Jason thought I was going to pass out...I could see the concerned looked in his face and it didn't help that Coast's heart rate was dropping) This happened several times...I couldn't believe I was still pushing over an hour later...Jason finally told them they needed to him out because I was done....they decided to give me an episiotomy and vacuum him out during my last push in the set. (note had I not been small they couldn't have got gotten the suction cup in without cutting me...so sad!) FINALLY during one last hard set of pushing he was out...They told me to open my eyes but I was concentrated on pushing so hard I couldn't. HE WAS OUT...they put him on me and I remember being so out of it and weak I had to tell Jason I couldn't hold him without help because I might drop him.... 8lbs 7oz and 21" long at 37 weeks and 2 days (June 22, 2015...RUTH'S BIRTHDAY TOO!) ....I sure know how to grow em' but it's the getting them out of me without disasters happening that really is tough. Poor kid because of his gestational age and being so big, he had to be poked several times for his glucose levels which btw were just fine (if you ask me, I think the due date was wrong hahaha). While pushing I remember the nurse asking me if I had heartburn....(um...yes! I remember telling people that if he didn't have hair I was blaming the dang heartburn for burning it all off lol)...he had hair...and a good amount too! 

The after math and damage down there was definitely limited and I feel a lot better this go around as far as that goes....he did separate my pubic bone unfortunately which made it almost impossible to walk after. It felt like someone was literally pulling it down to the ground when I would try and walk. I had to drag my feet afterwards....UGH...sooooo bad. NEVER AGAIN...haha...for real though.... TOTALLY WORTH IT.... 

SOOOO....back to the top here....HAPPY LATE FATHER'S DAY Jason... I never did get to tell the world on Father's Day how lucky I am to have you! Thanks for being my support through everything (except the epidural LOL)...we did it...we now have 2 adorable children and we are both still alive! lol. You are such a hard worker and without you we wouldn't be where we are today. I love you more than words can say...I love your freaking face! 

The Meaning...

-------------------------The True Meaning--------------------------

            Lets talk about it; the meaning. Of what you ask? Sex. WHAT IS THE "TRUE" MEANING OF SEX? Recently I came across a conversation due to some unfortunate events that happened in someone's life. Her spouse is addicted to porn. He has been addicted for quite some time and has tried to stop but only recently has gone to the next level to remove this evil from his life once and for all. While I can I say it's great that he is getting help for this evil, I also have to ask, "WHY?" or "Why did it take him so long to get help?" I have seen this evil destroy several marriages and families. I had one friend whose spouse was so completely taken over by porn that she would find condoms in the car. She was clueless for 3.5 years of her marriage to him. He was so taken over by this evil to the point of not wanting to change thus resulting in divorce. There is more to this story that is truly heartbreaking as well as many other stories about porn addiction and the hurt it causes, but for the sake of time and length of this blog I will stop there. I do however want to talk about feelings. For example, how does it make a spouse or partner feel when their spouse or partner does watch porn regularly. Let me make just a small list:

*Does he/she not love me?

*Does he/she not think I am attractive enough?

 

        *Might I add that most women (and probably some men) already struggle with past events that have made them feel "less desirable" (i.e. relationships ending because the other cheated and then stated "She wasn't physically satisfying enough" (note the girl was barely in college, believed in abstinence until marriage...they had only been dating a few months and it took her 3 months to kiss him for the first time)...THIS GIRL WILL NEVER BE THE SAME THANKS TO HIM.

        * Another situation...a girl had gained some weight at one point while working out of state. This resulted in people who were close to her letting her know that she had indeed gained weight followed by pinching her areas of extra weight. This changed this girl to the point of her pinching her extra fat. She is now constantly pinching to make sure that she doesn't gain too much. While it's gotten somewhat better, her ED wants to come back constantly. THIS GIRL IS FOREVER CHANGED BECAUSE OF THAT.

*Am I just a toy to him/her?

*Does he/she want a divorce?

*Can I even compare to the people in those porn videos? (This is usually answered by a no because face it...THEY ARE FAKE. They aren't real and honestly most people in those videos/images have their own deep saddening issues resulting in them doing these sick and evil videos)

*Does he/she think about them during our intimate times together?

*Does he/she have to think about them in order to get off?

*Has his/her thoughts about the meaning of sex changed? Did it ever even mean to him/her what it means to me?

These are just a few questions that I am sure stick in their mind that they ask themselves over and over again, but what I don't think people realize is that it does unimaginable damage to their self esteem. Spouses/partners think it's their fault that the other watches porn. They blame themselves for it. They think of themselves and their problems (as far as body self image...ie...if I wasn't so self-conscious he/she wouldn't have this problem) and blame themselves. 

I just have say STOP! I know it's hard to think that you aren't the problem, but you aren't. It's not your fault and you will not compare yourself. It's their problem.They might try and tell you "well if you would do this, and would stop doing this...."; They might try and make you feel like it's your problem, but in all reality they KNOW it's their problem. They feel sick deep inside and the evil just keeps dragging them down further. They will tell you the triggers and it might make you feel like you are a part of the triggers or the reasons for it, but you aren't. I wish I could make all those effected by this horrible evil understand, but as a people we are most of the time too hard on ourselves. We also can't imagine ourselves blaming our spouses especially when you feel that you are the lucky one who got someone so amazing to spend your life with. I ask that you not blame yourself, and I also ask that you address the issue full on. They need to know how you feel, what damage it's caused. Don't make it seem small, because it is huge. Get angry because if that's the way it makes you feel, then you make sure they know it. It's not fair to you to hold it in.

Now I want to continue with the original thought. "The True Meaning..." The issue that came up was her asking her spouse if he had sex out of "love" or just "fun" (also asked him the percentages)....for her there was no 50/50...it's like marriage, there is no 50/50...it's 100 on both sides. For her having sex was an act of love. She didn't think sex wasn't fun (unlike a lot of women she didn't struggle with the pains of having sex and being pleasured...many would call her lucky), but she also didn't consider it only fun. For her spouse it was only a small tiny percent of love and 100% fun. "It's sex and that's what it is...it's a stress reliever". Let's stop for a moment and think about how this made her feel. He's thinking, "it's fun; we are suppose to explore the fun side of sex, she needs to be more fun and not just go through the motions..." She's thinking, "I do it out of love and fun, but face it, I am giving myself and my body to someone else." For a lot of women it's takes a lot to give herself to a man. When they say that men don't think about anything during sex except how it feels...they aren't lying (according to her spouse). A woman on the other hand, she has to try really hard to not think about the extra fat on her body or where he's going to grab her or what he's thinking when it's all happening. For her she might be asking herself, "Does he like it this way, does he like that my body is jiggling in odd places?..." It's almost impossible for a woman to completely clear her mind during this time. She needs to feel like she can trust him with her body. If he's off watching porn and she knows he is, how is she suppose to trust him with her body? It makes her feel even more body conscious.

When looking up the work sex you can look up the synonyms. A synonym is a word or phrase that means exactly or nearly the same as another word or phrase in the same language. The synonyms that come up are, "intercourse, lovemaking, making love, mating....etc). Now look up mate...the synonyms are, "partner, life partner, spouse, husband, wife, LOVER, better half, other half...etc" 

Do you see where this is going? Sex is LOVE.... 

Now look up the definition of porn....NO WHERE in the meaning does it have the word "love". It simply says, "Television programs, magazines, books, etc. that are regarded as emphasizing the sensuous or sensational aspects of a nonsexual subject and stimulating a COMPULSIVE INTEREST IN THEIR AUDIENCE."

There it is....I just have to say that I don't believe you can't have fun while having sex, but I also don't believe that it's all about fun. It's not all about desire and pleasuring your spouse. It's about love and understanding as well. It's about giving yourself to someone you love and can trust with yourself. It's about knowing each other. These are special moments you share with each other and ONLY each other. You don't go around telling everyone else you love them like you do your spouse. You don't kiss people like you kiss your spouse, you don't touch people like you do your spouse and you don't watch and look at others in that way like you do your spouse....therefore you DO NOT make love with people like you do with your spouse. These things are sacred and special, they are between the two of you and only you. I wish I could say so much more about love and it's meaning, but to address the issue recently brought to my attention, I will end here. I hope that those effected by this evil can overcome any damage it has caused. I also hope that those that are porn users can see it's effects and damage. I hope that they choose to STOP IT before it ruins their lives and the lives of the ones they love.

        

             

Precious One So Small And Sweet

"Precious One So Small And Sweet"

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Today I can't help but miss my sweet little brother Rig. As I was thinking about how I might breast feed this sweet little boy that will be joining our family, I couldn't help but think back to when I was pumping for 2. I was pumping for my sweet Ember and my adopted little brother Rig. It was an awful experience for me NOT being able to breastfeed Ember, but then that sadness quickly turned to love and acceptance because I knew that by pumping, I was able to not only give my daughter my milk (sure it wasn't breastfeeding at it's finest, but it was still MY MILK), but I was also able to help give Rig some as well in hopes that it would help him. (I am not saying that formula isn't good but in his situation, I have to wonder if my milk was a better option then formula. He had many complications and trials in his small lifetime and I guess I am just hoping if there was ever ONE thing that I could have done to help him, I HOPE that my milk was that help.) 

I have high hopes for this sweet little guy and breastfeeding. I was worried there for a bit wondering what I would do if he also is going to struggle as Ember did, but then my thoughts came back to Rig. My fear has turned into love and acceptance that IF he cannot latch on and we have tried everything, I will continue to give him my milk by pumping for as long as I can, because if there is ever ONE thing I can do for him that will be helpful in his growth and nutrition...I HOPE it will be my breast milk....even if it's pumped.

As for my dear sweet Big Rig.....I miss you dearly. Please continue to watch over our family. I can see it now...you running around having a great time. You were so perfect and deserve to be without pain. You deserve to be able to run and play.....but just know that we love and miss you so very much....FLY HIGH SWEET BOY!

"Bitterness imprisons life; LOVE releases it."

Help me to love again....

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       First I would ask that people not jump to conclusions....if you are pregnant I am excited for you...jealous really...I think everyone deserves to be able to fulfill their duty by being a mother. :) Its the best thing anyone could do. This is a hard blog post for me to write as I have to admit that I am a bitter persona right now.....but as I sit here and think about how happy of a person I seem to be, I can't help but admit that as of late I am very bitter about life. I am bitter towards family members and even close friends, VERY bitter. I will admit it and I am sure they see it. I feel as though I am alone in my fight. I pray everyday hoping to understand WHY I can't have another...and why on earth when I FINALLY DID get the first one...WHY SHE HAD TO BE SOOOO COLICKY! I will admit that there are often days that I can't help but feel bitter towards those who have these happy easy going children who just want to play and laugh and just have an overall easy temperament about them and then see the parent complain about how hard they are...(I mean have they met mine?)...and I can't help but feel bitter towards people who have a crazy easy time getting pregnant....VERY BITTER ( I know it's wrong to feel this way and that we all have our struggles, but like I said..this is hard for me to admit and that it's true). Ember is a very smart girl and I love her more than any person will ever know, but she is hard. When your own mother can see how hard YOUR child is....you know she is hard....she isn't like others...she isn't easily entertained...you can't easily make her laugh, she is easily offended, and easy to upset.....but she is perfect.... at least until she is 8 :P. She is perfect for me. She keeps me on my toes and reminds me how patient a person can really be lol. I love the time I get to spend with her everyday. I love that she wants to cuddle with me in my bed every morning when she wakes up, I love that she is smart and VERY observant, I love her little smile when she does get happy about things here and there. I love her smile when she feels like a princess and truly knows how beautiful she is. I envy her for that and hope that someday she can teach her own mother to love herself for who she is. Most of all...I LOVE THAT SHE IS MINE.

      I want to feel love towards these people in my life, but I can't seem to shake this anger that is sucking me down. I have become this person that I am sure people walk on eggshells around. It's gotten to the point of not wanting to attend family get togethers (Honestly, Thanksgiving with Jason and Ember ONLY sounds amazing...) ....and basically withdrawing altogether. I love being around people...or at least I used to. I was having a really rough day just the other day....I mean it's like most days as of late I guess, but this particular day was just awful. I texted Jason and this is what he wrote, " I wish I could change things but I can't. I was surprised when we got E.B. because it took us a long time for her so it doesn't even surprise me that it's going to take us a long time again. Matter of fact I remember thinking in college that we might have to adopt and came to grips with it then." 
      As you can imagine....knowing how your fertility problems are effecting your husband....causing him to tear up when you both find out someone else is pregnant and you can't be that person....well let me tell you how it feels...IT SUCKS...IT HURTS! If it weren't for Ember...I wouldn't be here. She is my everything so forgive me when you see her and she doesn't seem very disciplined.....I am scared she will be my only and so keeping her close and happy is my goal. 

See this.....

SHE IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING! 

    I guess I am going to stop here although there is so much I wish I could write....what I am trying to say is...please pray for me. I never ask for much from people...I almost refuse lol...proud you could say. Ha ha. For real though, please pray for me...and not that I will have another (You can if you want) but I need prayers to help me feel love towards others who I can't seem to love right now. I need to release the bitterness that is imprisoning my life... 


Thanks for reading sweet readers...and as always...I LOVE YOU!

Ask ME how!

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Ask ME how!

When people start some new lifestyle...and say "Ask me how!?" I immediately RUN AWAY! Haha... It always ends up costing more than I want and I never see the results that I WANT....

Before I start, I would like to talk about me...wow that sounded awful..I have bought so many programs and tried so many supplements it makes me sick. HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS down the drain!!!! I'm talking everything from workout programs, wraps, shakeology, protein drinks, and yes...I have even gone as low as taking really strong diet pills. DOESN'T WORK....I'm not saying it won't work for you, but it doesn't work for me....here's what does though...

come here....listen...it's a secret...shhh....THE GYM (Or running outside with friends :P) AND HEALTHY EATING!

Okay, so it's not really a secret. As most of you know, I suffer from hypothyroidism (does the "ism" even make it a real word? HA!) and it is NOT FUN!...it really messes with everything your body does....hormonal wise...I am like a hormonal mess all of the time...NO FUN! Look it up, you will know why its AWEFUL!....and after my miscarriage I decided I wanted to get my body back...or at least try my hardest to do so. I wanted to be healthy. I was tired of feeling tired and sluggish. I was gaining unwanted weight faster than I had ever imagined possible...SICK! 

SO.... I decided that it was time to start eating healthier and working out. I have lost 6lbs (Probably not that noticeable, but when you can fit into a smaller pair of jeans....you know you are getting there!). So heres to my journey of a healthier lifestyle! (Hoping for a better thyroid as well!!! I WILL BEAT THIS HYPOTHYROID...we are officially in WAR!)

Todays breakfast...... BLUEBERRY BANANA ALMOND SMOOTHIE

1 1/2-2 Cups Ice

2 Cups of Milk

MANY BLUEBERRIES...(I don't know I just eyeballed it)

1/2 Cup of Slivered Almonds

1 REALLY Ripe Banana

*A Tiny Bit of Blue Agave Sweetener

BLEND IN BLENDER ( I REALLY WISH I HAD A VITAMIX, but we had to settle for a Ninja...it does okay LOL)

* Organic Raw Blue Agave is a natural sweetener extracted from the core of the Blue Agave plant. Fairtrade Organic Raw Blue Agave is a smooth, delicious low glycemic syrup that is a ideal for sweetening coffee, hot tea, oatmeal, pancakes, waffles, yogurt, cereal and more. It is also great in smoothies, iced tea, or cocktails as it dissolves quickly in cold beverages. 

Social Media.....The Death Of A Grieving Mother....

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As I sit here thinking about how much I want another child and how lost I feel from losing one....I can't help but think how social media is becoming the death of me. The death of a grieving mother. I feel like I should be over it, it's been almost a month...well 3 weeks I guess. I find myself playing it over and over again in my mind. The ultrasound, the tech, the d&c, the pain physically and mentally..... "The baby is gone...." (Sure I know I will have someone tell me....oh he/she isn't gone, you will be able to raise them in the second coming...I KNOW! It still hurts...) 

I have gotten on Facebook obviously enough times during the week and it seems like every time I get on....ANOTHER friend is pregnant..."Coming December 2014"....when my baby would have "come" as well. So forgive me if I just want to cry every time I see those....I get to watch my own sister, cousin, and best friends have theirs...while I sit in misery always wondering why my body is having such a hard time. Sure I can put on a happy face and act like all is well....but no...here at home I find myself constantly falling apart. Is it depression? I guess it could be....I have never had these feeling until recently....not that it would matter if it was...we can't fix it right now.......we can't even fix the physical things....Last night I found myself finding person after person announcing their pregnancy....."UGH" DECEMBER 2014.....(I pretty much typed this in that moment @)!$ Lol....it would have looked like I swore...although sometimes I feel like I could...NO I WON'T THOUGH. is was simply 2014 in caps...oops)....I finally decided I needed to get off of the computer for my own sanity....so I went to sleep feeling like crap. I woke up this morning and thought..."Pinterest! Pinterest is always a good way to relax and get the crafty ideas going..."....YEAH FREAKING RIGHT....I wake up to a friend (No I won't say who...) pinning EVERY maternity outfit possible...(can I just say...Kudos to them for already thinking about that when their baby is so young.....:) ) ....and every "baby" related pin possible.... THIS IS WHY SOCIAL MEDIA IS THE DEATH OF A GRIEVING MOTHER....yes....that was my last straw...I mean of course I can't tell people what to pin....that's their choice lol.... ( I was just thinking about this...and I am sure people are going to read this and think..."Oh that was me" even if it wasn't them. Lol)....I finally broke down...again....I started to tell Jason that I finally know what depression really feels like....(HE LAUGHED....he's a guy...sure...BUT HE LAUGHED!)....I wanted to beat him....I really did....I finally blew a cork...(poor guy) I told him that he would NEVER understand...he always laughs at me when I am serious about something seriously (That sounded weird...oh and he really does do that...he seriously laughs....I shouldn't feel so angry about it because mens brains are pretty much set to block out any and all emotions....but it still hurts...HELLO!)

Basically what I am getting at....is it might be time to hang up social media for a while....BUT OH BOY...it's almost like an addiction....or habit I guess....I automatically just find myself on it...haha...it's like the piano...I played it long enough its like my fingers already know what to do even when my brain isn't thinking about it...(or doesn't seem to be anyway)....my hands literally pick up my phone/computer and start typing in FACEBOOK.COM...and all those others. lol....Wow.....Einstein was right....this technology is making a generation of idiots. Haha

I feel like I have so much to say because I need to get it all out...I could talk about EVERYTHING...seriously things like parenting someones child...I might get some serious backfiring on this but I mean really though.....if she hits you.... first...realize she is 2 years old....any toddler is going to act that way...DON'T MAKE HER CRY IN FRONT OF ME.......at least let me do that...so I can talk to her about it....I'm sorry I didn't see her hit you, but if you are going to tell her not to hit you....do it in a way that she understands... often times she has to be talked to and dealt with in a different manner than you are used to....Love and logic my friend. She is a different child than what most are used to...ASK ANYONE...they see how hard she can be to help. She has this naturally angry personality that I am not even used to. Sometimes when she hits (YES I HAVE TALKED TO HER...but you can only say it so many times...and YES...I have put her on time out for it too) she isn't doing it to be mean...she gets a little stir crazy and will get intense...you've seen it...and I am sure my kid isn't the only one! The period between 18 months and 3 years is a growing period...and crazy time... they are trying to assert themselves and communicate their likes and dislikes...they want to independent. At this age most are just beginning to REALLY understand things like sharing and taking turns. I don't want my child scared of learning these things..even though sometimes these stages are hard...I want my own child to go through them. I want her to become her own person. They are learning how to communicate and so one time she may be in a fabulous mood and say, "Will you please get me a drink...please and thank you" (Yes with her so cute "th" sound.), in another situation at another time she may be angry and frustrated...maybe tired...and resort to immediately yelling at you...hitting you...grabbing, kicking, and all those nasty emotions...this is her simply telling us, "YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO ME..GET AWAY" She is in overdrive and needs a break...this happens often....seriously, I watch it EVERYDAY..

I love her to death and I AM TRYING TO TEACH HER TOO...so please...realize that I am the parent...not you....talk to ME if you have a problem...(Btw..readers realize that most of the time this happens...it's not by people who watch her on a regular basis...it's people OUTSIDE that do this who do not see her all of the time)...sooo PLEASE DO NOT MAKE HER CRY AND SCARED OF YOU...she will only grow up to hate you...I feel like I have been passive enough about this situation...I am finally speaking up. Here is another...if she wants you to play with her but you don't want to...TELL HER NO...she can cry...it's okay. She can learn to be creative and go find something to play with (She has been much better about doing that as of late so help her continue please)....if you don't like her crying...I'm sorry but I am sure your mother let you cry...and you still love her right? Yes. I play barbies with her and my little pony....heck I have played "imaginary friends" with her....I teach her the best I can...I mean how many 2 year olds know all of their shapes (including octagon, crescent, and hexagon), letters AND SOUNDS? Yes....I work with her believe it or not. (Next on my list....hopefully writing her name...she doesn't like coloring or drawing much though...)....I guess what I am trying to get at is....please if you have a problem come to me. I am the parent....not you. You won't find me parenting your child...believe me...UNLESS you do not quit...then I will do it so you know what it feels like. I give permission to those who watch her on a regular basis to discipline her when I am not there...THEY KNOW HER...they have watched her enough to know what her personality is and how to deal with it....(in other words...Joanna Marlow...I give you permission lol ....you understand her I am sure of it, and I have watched you do it, and I feel you are pretty dang good about it. Lol...she seems to learn quite well with you around.)

I could go on about this issue as I have come across many situations...and I am sure I could probably get a lot of feedback (Seriously...sometimes I feel like people want to tell me I am a bad mom...but I can only say that I am trying...just like every parent out there...and I am sure I am not the only one that faces these challenges) I hate mom wars....I really do....and I find myself in them sometimes...it's not a "my child is better than yours" though...it's hard to explain....it's more like, "I'm the parent of my child and I am trying...so stop it and pay attention to yours and how you want yours to grow up." AND PLEASE...FAMILY AND FRIENDS...if you don't want to watch my child when I need to go to am appointment...please feel like you can say "no".... if you ever feel like we are invading your space...PLEASE TELL US. :) I won't be offended.

Oh and readers I just want thank anyone who has ever watched her...she is a "fun" one.....and I know it can be hard.

I find myself jealous of people who have these perfect babies who hardly cry, will play by themselves...who were able to breastfeed..and who are naturally happy children....but then I have to remind myself...my child is smart...she is her own person...and I am proud of her. I am proud to be her mom. HER MOM...yes you heard me...I am the parent. lol

RANT OVER....

Thanks for reading...and as always...until next time...and...I LOVE YOU! :)

"Heavenly Father...are you really there?"

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This might sound very depressing and I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing.....I am having a hard time writing today as I found out devastating news a couple of days ago. Not many knew (and for good reason obviously) I was pregnant. It was a blessing that I thought wasn't going to come for a very long time. As most of you know, it takes me a while to become pregnant....I hate to call it a fertility problem....but in a sense, I guess it is just that. I started taking my levothyroxine, and all of a sudden I realized I hadn't started...well knowing me, I don't jump right on the pregnancy test because I am ALWAYS in denial. I waited about 10 days past my period and finally decided to ask the nurse if the levo could mess up my periods like that...she said no and to come in. Well....I had a weird feeling to go get a test...came home, took it and couldn't believe what I was seeing. A positive. It was crazy because the positive came up faster than the test line! I had to take 2 more during the week to make sure I wasn't going crazy. I went into the doctor for some back pain...I received an early ultrasound...A HEARTBEAT! 131....the tech said that it was strong at 6 weeks 5 days. I was ecstatic! She also found a 7X5X6 cyst (I figured there was one, I had it with Ember and it caused me to bleed the whole pregnancy with her)...well time started passing...I started to get sick. Yup good ol' morning sickness, and then as weeks passed I started to feel no connection between me and the child...of course I was worried. I asked my dad and Jason for a healing blessing for my cyst. In the blessing I remember my dad specifically saying that the baby would grow and develop normally....I was so relieved!...well slowly I started feeling more pain around 10.5 almost 11 weeks....I started spotting. It was brown....but a lot of it....I just kept reminding myself of the blessing and I would immediately feel relieved....well I went in to the Blackfoot women's center just for peace of mind....they checked me and said everything looked great. I went home. Wednesday I had my actual appointment with Leavitt Women's healthcare and told them that I wasn't feeling sick anymore (Which was last friday that it truly stopped)...they took me in the waiting room and I start hearing them talk about my history outside the door...I became worried...they came in and said to get an ultrasound...She checked my ovaries...my right was fine...my left abnormal...cyst hadn't changed. She then looked and saw my cervix...she said it looked great......for a minute I had hope....then I saw the sac and before she could even say anything...I knew....it didn't look right. The baby died. I was 11 weeks. I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. The timing just seemed so right. Shantel is pregnant...and we were a week apart just like last time....it was like this blessing in disguise....and I thought to myself..."that's why it was taking so long.... it was just timing.....".....

Well.....I find myself in this emotional roller coaster that I can't seem to get out of. It sounds bad, but I have to say I don't understand blessings anymore. It's taking my all not to be angry at everyone including the Lord. Every time I try to pray I can't seem to say "Heavenly Father" without getting upset and full of anger. 

I had surgery yesterday (Dilation and Curettage)....I was so scared but I also knew that I needed to get the baby out. I went in and I was given the sedative...they had to give me two syringes because the first one didn't do the job...they usually say you fall asleep before the doors...no...I remember going in and seeing everything. They gave me another and I remember going from a small laugh to just crying...and them telling they were going to take good care of me...laying my arms out...and then what felt like moments later waking up cramping on the bed....(by this time I was already out. The surgery was done)...I was so tired I knew I wanted out of the hospital but it was taking my all to wake up. My back was hurting...cramps...I had no energy to even cry. I could barely talk... I finally found the strength to slowly (With Jason's help of course) get dressed so I could leave. I got into the car and remember looking at my self...I looked yellow...I could see my freckles on my face too well. I was just out of it. We got to Jason's parents and Joanna came said, "You are pale...you lost quite a bit of blood." She said she thinks I lost more than the doctor thought....all day yesterday I was afraid to sleep. I didn't want to sleep and not be able to wake up. I hate that feeling so I pushed all day until last night when the pain started up again (I was on some heavy drugs to help with pain)....I finally thought to myself, "I can't do it anymore...I need to sleep..."

I wake up and I still feel completely out of it.... I remember after finding out the devastating news...feeling like people thought I wasn't suppose to feel the way I was feeling. I wanted to scream...the anger was building...I kept thinking of ways to basically make myself/body stop hurting....I thought, "I'm going to run that 5k that I signed up for, I haven't been exercising but who cares, the baby is dead and I want to run until I pass out." I kept thinking, "I want to go to the gym and just workout to the point of no feeling. I want the weight I have already gained...gone....I want it to be like it never happened...."...I have a baby shower coming up that I am doing in a week....I pray I will get through it without tears....I have another baby shower I am attending in June...also hoping and praying I will be over it by then....My sister is pregnant..one of my best friends....one of my cousins....I feel like it's all around me....

The emotions are back today....I can't seem to stop crying. I want to feel better. I don't expect people to feel bad for me...but I do want others who have gone through this same thing or who will go through this to read this and KNOW that it's okay to feel angry...it's okay to cry. It was a person...it was YOUR baby and now it's gone. I have a really good friend who told me this. She has gone through this experience....and to have her comfort me in the way she did...will always mean the world to me.

The cyst is still there. Insurance won't pay for the procedure...thousands of dollars to get it removed.  Unless it ruptures....It will be there and cause pain. It feels like it will be a constant reminder......we will never have the money to do tests and figure out why my body is rejecting things and why it's having such a hard time....so here I am once again wondering why I am here.....and wondering if my Sweet Ember was just my one lucky baby who made it despite what was working against her..........so...heres to another long waiting game....trying to keep my head up, maybe we will have a rainbow after the storm.

 I have much to be thankful for though. My family....my sweet friend Jessie brought us dinner the day I found out. She is amazing. All the support I have had thus far from everyone means the world me....I want everyone to know that...even if I don't show it right now.