Lets talk about it; the meaning. Of what you ask? Sex. WHAT IS THE "TRUE" MEANING OF SEX? Recently I came across a conversation due to some unfortunate events that happened in someone's life. Her spouse is addicted to porn. He has been addicted for quite some time and has tried to stop but only recently has gone to the next level to remove this evil from his life once and for all. While I can I say it's great that he is getting help for this evil, I also have to ask, "WHY?" or "Why did it take him so long to get help?" I have seen this evil destroy several marriages and families. I had one friend whose spouse was so completely taken over by porn that she would find condoms in the car. She was clueless for 3.5 years of her marriage to him. He was so taken over by this evil to the point of not wanting to change thus resulting in divorce. There is more to this story that is truly heartbreaking as well as many other stories about porn addiction and the hurt it causes, but for the sake of time and length of this blog I will stop there. I do however want to talk about feelings. For example, how does it make a spouse or partner feel when their spouse or partner does watch porn regularly. Let me make just a small list:
*Does he/she not love me?
*Does he/she not think I am attractive enough?
*Might I add that most women (and probably some men) already struggle with past events that have made them feel "less desirable" (i.e. relationships ending because the other cheated and then stated "She wasn't physically satisfying enough" (note the girl was barely in college, believed in abstinence until marriage...they had only been dating a few months and it took her 3 months to kiss him for the first time)...THIS GIRL WILL NEVER BE THE SAME THANKS TO HIM.
* Another situation...a girl had gained some weight at one point while working out of state. This resulted in people who were close to her letting her know that she had indeed gained weight followed by pinching her areas of extra weight. This changed this girl to the point of her pinching her extra fat. She is now constantly pinching to make sure that she doesn't gain too much. While it's gotten somewhat better, her ED wants to come back constantly. THIS GIRL IS FOREVER CHANGED BECAUSE OF THAT.
*Am I just a toy to him/her?
*Does he/she want a divorce?
*Can I even compare to the people in those porn videos? (This is usually answered by a no because face it...THEY ARE FAKE. They aren't real and honestly most people in those videos/images have their own deep saddening issues resulting in them doing these sick and evil videos)
*Does he/she think about them during our intimate times together?
*Does he/she have to think about them in order to get off?
*Has his/her thoughts about the meaning of sex changed? Did it ever even mean to him/her what it means to me?
These are just a few questions that I am sure stick in their mind that they ask themselves over and over again, but what I don't think people realize is that it does unimaginable damage to their self esteem. Spouses/partners think it's their fault that the other watches porn. They blame themselves for it. They think of themselves and their problems (as far as body self image...ie...if I wasn't so self-conscious he/she wouldn't have this problem) and blame themselves.
I just have say STOP! I know it's hard to think that you aren't the problem, but you aren't. It's not your fault and you will not compare yourself. It's their problem.They might try and tell you "well if you would do this, and would stop doing this...."; They might try and make you feel like it's your problem, but in all reality they KNOW it's their problem. They feel sick deep inside and the evil just keeps dragging them down further. They will tell you the triggers and it might make you feel like you are a part of the triggers or the reasons for it, but you aren't. I wish I could make all those effected by this horrible evil understand, but as a people we are most of the time too hard on ourselves. We also can't imagine ourselves blaming our spouses especially when you feel that you are the lucky one who got someone so amazing to spend your life with. I ask that you not blame yourself, and I also ask that you address the issue full on. They need to know how you feel, what damage it's caused. Don't make it seem small, because it is huge. Get angry because if that's the way it makes you feel, then you make sure they know it. It's not fair to you to hold it in.
Now I want to continue with the original thought. "The True Meaning..." The issue that came up was her asking her spouse if he had sex out of "love" or just "fun" (also asked him the percentages)....for her there was no 50/50...it's like marriage, there is no 50/50...it's 100 on both sides. For her having sex was an act of love. She didn't think sex wasn't fun (unlike a lot of women she didn't struggle with the pains of having sex and being pleasured...many would call her lucky), but she also didn't consider it only fun. For her spouse it was only a small tiny percent of love and 100% fun. "It's sex and that's what it is...it's a stress reliever". Let's stop for a moment and think about how this made her feel. He's thinking, "it's fun; we are suppose to explore the fun side of sex, she needs to be more fun and not just go through the motions..." She's thinking, "I do it out of love and fun, but face it, I am giving myself and my body to someone else." For a lot of women it's takes a lot to give herself to a man. When they say that men don't think about anything during sex except how it feels...they aren't lying (according to her spouse). A woman on the other hand, she has to try really hard to not think about the extra fat on her body or where he's going to grab her or what he's thinking when it's all happening. For her she might be asking herself, "Does he like it this way, does he like that my body is jiggling in odd places?..." It's almost impossible for a woman to completely clear her mind during this time. She needs to feel like she can trust him with her body. If he's off watching porn and she knows he is, how is she suppose to trust him with her body? It makes her feel even more body conscious.
When looking up the work sex you can look up the synonyms. A synonym is a word or phrase that means exactly or nearly the same as another word or phrase in the same language. The synonyms that come up are, "intercourse, lovemaking, making love, mating....etc). Now look up mate...the synonyms are, "partner, life partner, spouse, husband, wife, LOVER, better half, other half...etc"
Do you see where this is going? Sex is LOVE....
Now look up the definition of porn....NO WHERE in the meaning does it have the word "love". It simply says, "Television programs, magazines, books, etc. that are regarded as emphasizing the sensuous or sensational aspects of a nonsexual subject and stimulating a COMPULSIVE INTEREST IN THEIR AUDIENCE."
There it is....I just have to say that I don't believe you can't have fun while having sex, but I also don't believe that it's all about fun. It's not all about desire and pleasuring your spouse. It's about love and understanding as well. It's about giving yourself to someone you love and can trust with yourself. It's about knowing each other. These are special moments you share with each other and ONLY each other. You don't go around telling everyone else you love them like you do your spouse. You don't kiss people like you kiss your spouse, you don't touch people like you do your spouse and you don't watch and look at others in that way like you do your spouse....therefore you DO NOT make love with people like you do with your spouse. These things are sacred and special, they are between the two of you and only you. I wish I could say so much more about love and it's meaning, but to address the issue recently brought to my attention, I will end here. I hope that those effected by this evil can overcome any damage it has caused. I also hope that those that are porn users can see it's effects and damage. I hope that they choose to STOP IT before it ruins their lives and the lives of the ones they love.
