"Bitterness imprisons life; LOVE releases it."

Help me to love again....

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       First I would ask that people not jump to conclusions....if you are pregnant I am excited for you...jealous really...I think everyone deserves to be able to fulfill their duty by being a mother. :) Its the best thing anyone could do. This is a hard blog post for me to write as I have to admit that I am a bitter persona right now.....but as I sit here and think about how happy of a person I seem to be, I can't help but admit that as of late I am very bitter about life. I am bitter towards family members and even close friends, VERY bitter. I will admit it and I am sure they see it. I feel as though I am alone in my fight. I pray everyday hoping to understand WHY I can't have another...and why on earth when I FINALLY DID get the first one...WHY SHE HAD TO BE SOOOO COLICKY! I will admit that there are often days that I can't help but feel bitter towards those who have these happy easy going children who just want to play and laugh and just have an overall easy temperament about them and then see the parent complain about how hard they are...(I mean have they met mine?)...and I can't help but feel bitter towards people who have a crazy easy time getting pregnant....VERY BITTER ( I know it's wrong to feel this way and that we all have our struggles, but like I said..this is hard for me to admit and that it's true). Ember is a very smart girl and I love her more than any person will ever know, but she is hard. When your own mother can see how hard YOUR child is....you know she is hard....she isn't like others...she isn't easily entertained...you can't easily make her laugh, she is easily offended, and easy to upset.....but she is perfect.... at least until she is 8 :P. She is perfect for me. She keeps me on my toes and reminds me how patient a person can really be lol. I love the time I get to spend with her everyday. I love that she wants to cuddle with me in my bed every morning when she wakes up, I love that she is smart and VERY observant, I love her little smile when she does get happy about things here and there. I love her smile when she feels like a princess and truly knows how beautiful she is. I envy her for that and hope that someday she can teach her own mother to love herself for who she is. Most of all...I LOVE THAT SHE IS MINE.

      I want to feel love towards these people in my life, but I can't seem to shake this anger that is sucking me down. I have become this person that I am sure people walk on eggshells around. It's gotten to the point of not wanting to attend family get togethers (Honestly, Thanksgiving with Jason and Ember ONLY sounds amazing...) ....and basically withdrawing altogether. I love being around people...or at least I used to. I was having a really rough day just the other day....I mean it's like most days as of late I guess, but this particular day was just awful. I texted Jason and this is what he wrote, " I wish I could change things but I can't. I was surprised when we got E.B. because it took us a long time for her so it doesn't even surprise me that it's going to take us a long time again. Matter of fact I remember thinking in college that we might have to adopt and came to grips with it then." 
      As you can imagine....knowing how your fertility problems are effecting your husband....causing him to tear up when you both find out someone else is pregnant and you can't be that person....well let me tell you how it feels...IT SUCKS...IT HURTS! If it weren't for Ember...I wouldn't be here. She is my everything so forgive me when you see her and she doesn't seem very disciplined.....I am scared she will be my only and so keeping her close and happy is my goal. 

See this.....

SHE IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING! 

    I guess I am going to stop here although there is so much I wish I could write....what I am trying to say is...please pray for me. I never ask for much from people...I almost refuse lol...proud you could say. Ha ha. For real though, please pray for me...and not that I will have another (You can if you want) but I need prayers to help me feel love towards others who I can't seem to love right now. I need to release the bitterness that is imprisoning my life... 


Thanks for reading sweet readers...and as always...I LOVE YOU!

Ask ME how!

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Ask ME how!

When people start some new lifestyle...and say "Ask me how!?" I immediately RUN AWAY! Haha... It always ends up costing more than I want and I never see the results that I WANT....

Before I start, I would like to talk about me...wow that sounded awful..I have bought so many programs and tried so many supplements it makes me sick. HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS down the drain!!!! I'm talking everything from workout programs, wraps, shakeology, protein drinks, and yes...I have even gone as low as taking really strong diet pills. DOESN'T WORK....I'm not saying it won't work for you, but it doesn't work for me....here's what does though...

come here....listen...it's a secret...shhh....THE GYM (Or running outside with friends :P) AND HEALTHY EATING!

Okay, so it's not really a secret. As most of you know, I suffer from hypothyroidism (does the "ism" even make it a real word? HA!) and it is NOT FUN!...it really messes with everything your body does....hormonal wise...I am like a hormonal mess all of the time...NO FUN! Look it up, you will know why its AWEFUL!....and after my miscarriage I decided I wanted to get my body back...or at least try my hardest to do so. I wanted to be healthy. I was tired of feeling tired and sluggish. I was gaining unwanted weight faster than I had ever imagined possible...SICK! 

SO.... I decided that it was time to start eating healthier and working out. I have lost 6lbs (Probably not that noticeable, but when you can fit into a smaller pair of jeans....you know you are getting there!). So heres to my journey of a healthier lifestyle! (Hoping for a better thyroid as well!!! I WILL BEAT THIS HYPOTHYROID...we are officially in WAR!)

Todays breakfast...... BLUEBERRY BANANA ALMOND SMOOTHIE

1 1/2-2 Cups Ice

2 Cups of Milk

MANY BLUEBERRIES...(I don't know I just eyeballed it)

1/2 Cup of Slivered Almonds

1 REALLY Ripe Banana

*A Tiny Bit of Blue Agave Sweetener

BLEND IN BLENDER ( I REALLY WISH I HAD A VITAMIX, but we had to settle for a Ninja...it does okay LOL)

* Organic Raw Blue Agave is a natural sweetener extracted from the core of the Blue Agave plant. Fairtrade Organic Raw Blue Agave is a smooth, delicious low glycemic syrup that is a ideal for sweetening coffee, hot tea, oatmeal, pancakes, waffles, yogurt, cereal and more. It is also great in smoothies, iced tea, or cocktails as it dissolves quickly in cold beverages. 

Social Media.....The Death Of A Grieving Mother....

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As I sit here thinking about how much I want another child and how lost I feel from losing one....I can't help but think how social media is becoming the death of me. The death of a grieving mother. I feel like I should be over it, it's been almost a month...well 3 weeks I guess. I find myself playing it over and over again in my mind. The ultrasound, the tech, the d&c, the pain physically and mentally..... "The baby is gone...." (Sure I know I will have someone tell me....oh he/she isn't gone, you will be able to raise them in the second coming...I KNOW! It still hurts...) 

I have gotten on Facebook obviously enough times during the week and it seems like every time I get on....ANOTHER friend is pregnant..."Coming December 2014"....when my baby would have "come" as well. So forgive me if I just want to cry every time I see those....I get to watch my own sister, cousin, and best friends have theirs...while I sit in misery always wondering why my body is having such a hard time. Sure I can put on a happy face and act like all is well....but no...here at home I find myself constantly falling apart. Is it depression? I guess it could be....I have never had these feeling until recently....not that it would matter if it was...we can't fix it right now.......we can't even fix the physical things....Last night I found myself finding person after person announcing their pregnancy....."UGH" DECEMBER 2014.....(I pretty much typed this in that moment @)!$ Lol....it would have looked like I swore...although sometimes I feel like I could...NO I WON'T THOUGH. is was simply 2014 in caps...oops)....I finally decided I needed to get off of the computer for my own sanity....so I went to sleep feeling like crap. I woke up this morning and thought..."Pinterest! Pinterest is always a good way to relax and get the crafty ideas going..."....YEAH FREAKING RIGHT....I wake up to a friend (No I won't say who...) pinning EVERY maternity outfit possible...(can I just say...Kudos to them for already thinking about that when their baby is so young.....:) ) ....and every "baby" related pin possible.... THIS IS WHY SOCIAL MEDIA IS THE DEATH OF A GRIEVING MOTHER....yes....that was my last straw...I mean of course I can't tell people what to pin....that's their choice lol.... ( I was just thinking about this...and I am sure people are going to read this and think..."Oh that was me" even if it wasn't them. Lol)....I finally broke down...again....I started to tell Jason that I finally know what depression really feels like....(HE LAUGHED....he's a guy...sure...BUT HE LAUGHED!)....I wanted to beat him....I really did....I finally blew a cork...(poor guy) I told him that he would NEVER understand...he always laughs at me when I am serious about something seriously (That sounded weird...oh and he really does do that...he seriously laughs....I shouldn't feel so angry about it because mens brains are pretty much set to block out any and all emotions....but it still hurts...HELLO!)

Basically what I am getting at....is it might be time to hang up social media for a while....BUT OH BOY...it's almost like an addiction....or habit I guess....I automatically just find myself on it...haha...it's like the piano...I played it long enough its like my fingers already know what to do even when my brain isn't thinking about it...(or doesn't seem to be anyway)....my hands literally pick up my phone/computer and start typing in FACEBOOK.COM...and all those others. lol....Wow.....Einstein was right....this technology is making a generation of idiots. Haha

I feel like I have so much to say because I need to get it all out...I could talk about EVERYTHING...seriously things like parenting someones child...I might get some serious backfiring on this but I mean really though.....if she hits you.... first...realize she is 2 years old....any toddler is going to act that way...DON'T MAKE HER CRY IN FRONT OF ME.......at least let me do that...so I can talk to her about it....I'm sorry I didn't see her hit you, but if you are going to tell her not to hit you....do it in a way that she understands... often times she has to be talked to and dealt with in a different manner than you are used to....Love and logic my friend. She is a different child than what most are used to...ASK ANYONE...they see how hard she can be to help. She has this naturally angry personality that I am not even used to. Sometimes when she hits (YES I HAVE TALKED TO HER...but you can only say it so many times...and YES...I have put her on time out for it too) she isn't doing it to be mean...she gets a little stir crazy and will get intense...you've seen it...and I am sure my kid isn't the only one! The period between 18 months and 3 years is a growing period...and crazy time... they are trying to assert themselves and communicate their likes and dislikes...they want to independent. At this age most are just beginning to REALLY understand things like sharing and taking turns. I don't want my child scared of learning these things..even though sometimes these stages are hard...I want my own child to go through them. I want her to become her own person. They are learning how to communicate and so one time she may be in a fabulous mood and say, "Will you please get me a drink...please and thank you" (Yes with her so cute "th" sound.), in another situation at another time she may be angry and frustrated...maybe tired...and resort to immediately yelling at you...hitting you...grabbing, kicking, and all those nasty emotions...this is her simply telling us, "YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO ME..GET AWAY" She is in overdrive and needs a break...this happens often....seriously, I watch it EVERYDAY..

I love her to death and I AM TRYING TO TEACH HER TOO...so please...realize that I am the parent...not you....talk to ME if you have a problem...(Btw..readers realize that most of the time this happens...it's not by people who watch her on a regular basis...it's people OUTSIDE that do this who do not see her all of the time)...sooo PLEASE DO NOT MAKE HER CRY AND SCARED OF YOU...she will only grow up to hate you...I feel like I have been passive enough about this situation...I am finally speaking up. Here is another...if she wants you to play with her but you don't want to...TELL HER NO...she can cry...it's okay. She can learn to be creative and go find something to play with (She has been much better about doing that as of late so help her continue please)....if you don't like her crying...I'm sorry but I am sure your mother let you cry...and you still love her right? Yes. I play barbies with her and my little pony....heck I have played "imaginary friends" with her....I teach her the best I can...I mean how many 2 year olds know all of their shapes (including octagon, crescent, and hexagon), letters AND SOUNDS? Yes....I work with her believe it or not. (Next on my list....hopefully writing her name...she doesn't like coloring or drawing much though...)....I guess what I am trying to get at is....please if you have a problem come to me. I am the parent....not you. You won't find me parenting your child...believe me...UNLESS you do not quit...then I will do it so you know what it feels like. I give permission to those who watch her on a regular basis to discipline her when I am not there...THEY KNOW HER...they have watched her enough to know what her personality is and how to deal with it....(in other words...Joanna Marlow...I give you permission lol ....you understand her I am sure of it, and I have watched you do it, and I feel you are pretty dang good about it. Lol...she seems to learn quite well with you around.)

I could go on about this issue as I have come across many situations...and I am sure I could probably get a lot of feedback (Seriously...sometimes I feel like people want to tell me I am a bad mom...but I can only say that I am trying...just like every parent out there...and I am sure I am not the only one that faces these challenges) I hate mom wars....I really do....and I find myself in them sometimes...it's not a "my child is better than yours" though...it's hard to explain....it's more like, "I'm the parent of my child and I am trying...so stop it and pay attention to yours and how you want yours to grow up." AND PLEASE...FAMILY AND FRIENDS...if you don't want to watch my child when I need to go to am appointment...please feel like you can say "no".... if you ever feel like we are invading your space...PLEASE TELL US. :) I won't be offended.

Oh and readers I just want thank anyone who has ever watched her...she is a "fun" one.....and I know it can be hard.

I find myself jealous of people who have these perfect babies who hardly cry, will play by themselves...who were able to breastfeed..and who are naturally happy children....but then I have to remind myself...my child is smart...she is her own person...and I am proud of her. I am proud to be her mom. HER MOM...yes you heard me...I am the parent. lol

RANT OVER....

Thanks for reading...and as always...until next time...and...I LOVE YOU! :)

"Heavenly Father...are you really there?"

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This might sound very depressing and I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing.....I am having a hard time writing today as I found out devastating news a couple of days ago. Not many knew (and for good reason obviously) I was pregnant. It was a blessing that I thought wasn't going to come for a very long time. As most of you know, it takes me a while to become pregnant....I hate to call it a fertility problem....but in a sense, I guess it is just that. I started taking my levothyroxine, and all of a sudden I realized I hadn't started...well knowing me, I don't jump right on the pregnancy test because I am ALWAYS in denial. I waited about 10 days past my period and finally decided to ask the nurse if the levo could mess up my periods like that...she said no and to come in. Well....I had a weird feeling to go get a test...came home, took it and couldn't believe what I was seeing. A positive. It was crazy because the positive came up faster than the test line! I had to take 2 more during the week to make sure I wasn't going crazy. I went into the doctor for some back pain...I received an early ultrasound...A HEARTBEAT! 131....the tech said that it was strong at 6 weeks 5 days. I was ecstatic! She also found a 7X5X6 cyst (I figured there was one, I had it with Ember and it caused me to bleed the whole pregnancy with her)...well time started passing...I started to get sick. Yup good ol' morning sickness, and then as weeks passed I started to feel no connection between me and the child...of course I was worried. I asked my dad and Jason for a healing blessing for my cyst. In the blessing I remember my dad specifically saying that the baby would grow and develop normally....I was so relieved!...well slowly I started feeling more pain around 10.5 almost 11 weeks....I started spotting. It was brown....but a lot of it....I just kept reminding myself of the blessing and I would immediately feel relieved....well I went in to the Blackfoot women's center just for peace of mind....they checked me and said everything looked great. I went home. Wednesday I had my actual appointment with Leavitt Women's healthcare and told them that I wasn't feeling sick anymore (Which was last friday that it truly stopped)...they took me in the waiting room and I start hearing them talk about my history outside the door...I became worried...they came in and said to get an ultrasound...She checked my ovaries...my right was fine...my left abnormal...cyst hadn't changed. She then looked and saw my cervix...she said it looked great......for a minute I had hope....then I saw the sac and before she could even say anything...I knew....it didn't look right. The baby died. I was 11 weeks. I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. The timing just seemed so right. Shantel is pregnant...and we were a week apart just like last time....it was like this blessing in disguise....and I thought to myself..."that's why it was taking so long.... it was just timing.....".....

Well.....I find myself in this emotional roller coaster that I can't seem to get out of. It sounds bad, but I have to say I don't understand blessings anymore. It's taking my all not to be angry at everyone including the Lord. Every time I try to pray I can't seem to say "Heavenly Father" without getting upset and full of anger. 

I had surgery yesterday (Dilation and Curettage)....I was so scared but I also knew that I needed to get the baby out. I went in and I was given the sedative...they had to give me two syringes because the first one didn't do the job...they usually say you fall asleep before the doors...no...I remember going in and seeing everything. They gave me another and I remember going from a small laugh to just crying...and them telling they were going to take good care of me...laying my arms out...and then what felt like moments later waking up cramping on the bed....(by this time I was already out. The surgery was done)...I was so tired I knew I wanted out of the hospital but it was taking my all to wake up. My back was hurting...cramps...I had no energy to even cry. I could barely talk... I finally found the strength to slowly (With Jason's help of course) get dressed so I could leave. I got into the car and remember looking at my self...I looked yellow...I could see my freckles on my face too well. I was just out of it. We got to Jason's parents and Joanna came said, "You are pale...you lost quite a bit of blood." She said she thinks I lost more than the doctor thought....all day yesterday I was afraid to sleep. I didn't want to sleep and not be able to wake up. I hate that feeling so I pushed all day until last night when the pain started up again (I was on some heavy drugs to help with pain)....I finally thought to myself, "I can't do it anymore...I need to sleep..."

I wake up and I still feel completely out of it.... I remember after finding out the devastating news...feeling like people thought I wasn't suppose to feel the way I was feeling. I wanted to scream...the anger was building...I kept thinking of ways to basically make myself/body stop hurting....I thought, "I'm going to run that 5k that I signed up for, I haven't been exercising but who cares, the baby is dead and I want to run until I pass out." I kept thinking, "I want to go to the gym and just workout to the point of no feeling. I want the weight I have already gained...gone....I want it to be like it never happened...."...I have a baby shower coming up that I am doing in a week....I pray I will get through it without tears....I have another baby shower I am attending in June...also hoping and praying I will be over it by then....My sister is pregnant..one of my best friends....one of my cousins....I feel like it's all around me....

The emotions are back today....I can't seem to stop crying. I want to feel better. I don't expect people to feel bad for me...but I do want others who have gone through this same thing or who will go through this to read this and KNOW that it's okay to feel angry...it's okay to cry. It was a person...it was YOUR baby and now it's gone. I have a really good friend who told me this. She has gone through this experience....and to have her comfort me in the way she did...will always mean the world to me.

The cyst is still there. Insurance won't pay for the procedure...thousands of dollars to get it removed.  Unless it ruptures....It will be there and cause pain. It feels like it will be a constant reminder......we will never have the money to do tests and figure out why my body is rejecting things and why it's having such a hard time....so here I am once again wondering why I am here.....and wondering if my Sweet Ember was just my one lucky baby who made it despite what was working against her..........so...heres to another long waiting game....trying to keep my head up, maybe we will have a rainbow after the storm.

 I have much to be thankful for though. My family....my sweet friend Jessie brought us dinner the day I found out. She is amazing. All the support I have had thus far from everyone means the world me....I want everyone to know that...even if I don't show it right now.

FEELING BLESSED!

FEELING BLESSED...

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So it's been a while...and obviously I really stunk and fell off the band wagon with the blog challenge...HOWEVER...I have somewhat good reasons...I signed up for a 5k in Idaho Falls on May 24th....feeling NERVOUS! Now, everyone take note that I am NOT a runner....not long distance anyway...I like to think I am...but I'm just not. Ha ha. Anyway, I have a fabulous running partner that keeps me in line...although...I haven't gone in a little while (it all started when I was asked to watch my little soon to be brothers while my family went on a cruise)...I kinda fell off that band wagon as well. Lol....wow I seem really lazy! ANYWAY....today I thought I would write about feeling blessed. I was in church yesterday with the young women and we were talking about the restoration of the church. I guess I just have to say I AM BLESSED, because without this amazing gospel...I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be married to a wonderful guy who treats me like royalty. I wouldn't have been blessed with a beautiful little girl. I wouldn't have had many of the opportunities in my life to help me become a better person. I am so grateful for the book of mormon...although...I feel I should read it again. I don't think I have actually made it all the way through understanding it.....that is one of my biggest goals....I am so grateful for my family. They have done so much for me and my family. (Both sides) I am grateful for being healthy (well for the most part haha)...once I get back in whack with my thyroid....I will be even more grateful for good health. I am so grateful for a home to keep us safe and warm. I am super grateful for the great community/neighborhood that we live in. So many sweet neighbors who are willing to help us at any time when needed. Most of all I am grateful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and the love they have for me and my family. I am grateful for the blessings that are poured out on us everyday. I am grateful for the knowledge that someday we will be able to return with our Heavenly Father.....that's huge! Can you imagine? Sometimes I get scared thinking about the destruction that has happened, is happening, and will happen, but then I think about the end and where I want to be with my family....it will all be worth it. The church is true! So grateful for Eternal Families!

ALSO...one more thing.... I would like to thank all of my friends around me....for all the wonderful things you have done for me... the wonderful examples you have been. Please know that if any of you ever need me....I am here...as you have been for me. THANK YOU....yes...just THANK YOU!...I LOVE YOU ALL!

AND AS ALWAYS...Thank you my sweet blog readers...until next time! :D LOVE YOU ALL!

March Blog Challenge Day 15-Wierd Quirk Of Mine

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Day 15- Weird Quirk Of Mine

Weird twerk of mine....TWERK?!?!? Joking! I don't twerk...quirk....I have those.. yes I was thinking about it....and obviously I don't just have one. I have a few...I know I more than I can think of right now too...lol

*I get dressed behind doors...even when I am at home...with my husband...I get dressed behind doors. Closet doors, bathroom doors, bedroom doors...etc...

*When driving, I have to have the stereo volume on an odd number

*I drive like inches away from the steering wheel...I KNOW IT'S BAD! But I like to be able to see EVERYTHING! Haha.

*My eyebrows cannot be out of place...JASON loves to mess with me on this. He will purposely rub my eyebrows in the opposite direction...YUK!

*When I am angry....I clean, ( now that I am thinking about it....I am a naturally happy person...SO THAT'S WHY IT'S MESSY MORE OFTEN THAN CLEAN  HAHAH!)

So yeah...here are some of my weird quirks...I am sure I have plenty more, but can't think of any off the top of my head....SO...AS ALWAYS! I LOVE YOU ALL! Until tomorrow! :D

March Blog Challenge Day 14- Something That Makes Me Feel Better, Always

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Day 14- Something That Makes Me Feel Better, Always...

So this may sound totally weird...because I know that for my sister it's chocolate....BUT for me it's exercise. I NEED EXERCISE to feel myself. If I am ever having a rough day or am just super grumpy...don't send me to my room (although I would probably love a nap haha), just send me to the gym for about an hour and a half and I will be ready to go again! I know it may sound weird, but seriously working out not only makes me feel better emotionally but physically as well.... obviously....and what better way to get into great shape than the gym right? (now...if only I would actually GO and workout like I am suppose to be doing haha)

Well...short and sweet! I LOVE YOU MY SWEET READERS! Stay tuned for Day 15!!!!!

March Blog Challege Day 13- Something I Struggle With...

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Day 13- Something I struggle with...

Okay, so I am sure everyone has seen this picture....I am not fat...I realize that, however I do know that I am not toned. I have the extra fat around my butt, thighs, (I mean seriously...it's dimpled...that's when you KNOW you are not in a good state...haha) and now even my arms (my face always seemed fat to me....so we won't even go there). This is something I struggle with. I struggle with my body. I am sure there are plenty of girls out there who are in my same boat. When I was about 12-13 right before lunch as I was standing in the lunch line, I would put my hands around my waist to "measure" how skinny I was....(yes I know...dumb). This would determine how much food I was allowed to eat...13 years old and doing this crap!?!? ALREADY? Yeah I know.....super sad. When I went to New York, (Not many know this) I started gaining weight like CRAZY....when I came back home I was 155lbs. I wasn't happy with my body...I used the throw up method while in New York...I used weight loss pills, I tried not eating...ANYTHING that I could think of. I came home started working out, and got back down to about 135lbs. I got married to Jason (I don't think the poor guy knew how bad it was), and continued to workout (twice a day most days, burning about 1100 calories) and got down to 116lbs...SUPER SUPER SKINNY! Everyone said I was TOO skinny. I could see that I guess.......but I will admit that was the BEST I had ever felt! Knowing that I had close to NO fat on me....was a good feeling...

Now....everyone at some point has to wonder...where do these feeling come from? Well I can tell you....when a family member says, "Oooh Ashley, you are getting a  little bigger" (as they hit/squeeze your butt or thighs)....when you date STUPID boys who say things like, "She isn't physically satisfying enough" (YEAH I felt like CRAP....I think it was because I didn't kiss him for 3 months during our dating period...HE WAS MY FIRST REAL KISS!...Yeah...I will go with that to make me feel better...I WAS NOT A NAUGHTY girl...I wasn't easy to get...too bad he didn't like that lol....) UH EXCUSE ME? And then when another wants you to sit on his lap and you simply say, "I don't want to hurt you,"....thinking he will be sweet about it...NO he says, "Don't worry, YOU HAVE ENOUGH CUSHION..." Uh....not what I was hoping for!!!.....I got pillows thrown at me in high school (YES PILLOWS) and boys would call me "flat" (I was 12-13 years old!!! Of course I didn't have my full set of breasts yet!) ...Yeah...I sure know how to pick em....good thing I got smart...and FINALLY found a good one...except...I already felt destroyed...my poor poor husband. I get dressed in the closet...I don't think he has ever seen me full on naked in the light...EVER....yeah...little things from the past....have caused this so called "struggle"....I find myself still holding grudges against these people at times haha. I want to feel happy with my body, I truly do, but I have found that this is , and will always be MY struggle. I don't wish this on anyone....ever. I am currently working hard on this, and am hoping to be better....but now you know...my weakness...(well one of many hahaha)....my struggle....SOOOOO Now with that said...I regret eating some of that girl scout cookie shake....HAHA....however it was AMAZING! LOVE RUPES! YES I DO! Lol...

ALSO one more thing....I try my hardest to keep this struggle unknown from my own child for her own sake. I want her to know that she is beautiful inside and out....I think it's working thus far...lol...she always tells me she is beautiful....(She also tells me that I am beautiful...:) It makes my day!)...She deserves to think she is beautiful and deserves to feel good about herself everyday!

SO...GET YOUR RIGHT SIZE...YOUR SIZE...NOT SOMEONE ELSES!! ;)

ANYWAY....thanks for reading! Stay tuned for tomorrow!!!!! As always I LOVE YOU MY SWEET SWEET BLOG READERS! See ya tomorrow! :D

March Blog Challenge Day 12- Pet Peeves

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Day 12- Pet Peeves

Okay so like I had said earlier, I am a really easy going person (Most of the time). I don't have many pet peeves, but I DO HAVE SOME! :) Are you ready....and please no one be offended...if you do any of these, you are not a bad person at all....they are just some annoyances of mine haha.

* I hate when the laundry gets done without my knowledge....AND GETS LEFT IN THE WASHER! They end up stinking. I hate hate hate it...whats worse is when they take the stinky laundry out of the washer and try to DRY it! YUK! I then have to rewash it all and that's just plain annoying. 

* I hate when the laundry isn't done the right way! I mean I put certain things in there....there is a right way to do it!

* I hate when I clean something off and expect it to stay clean and people start stacking their crap on it....AND THEN I can't find places for their stuff so it piles up! People who come to my house know what I mean...it's all in a corner!

*I hate cigarette smoke....I don't hate the people that smoke...I hate smoke! It smells horrible! This would be my BIGGEST pet peeve. I can't stand it....It makes me angry at times when it's REALLY strong. Like I said though, I don't hate the people who smoke. I have family and friends that smoke. It's a sad habit, I will be blunt about that, and I hope that one day they will stop for their own health, but I love each of them. YOU HEAR ME?!? I LOVE YOU ALL! I would like you to be around for a long time...so you may think about stopping.... ;) I don't know how hard it is to quit since I have never got into the habit...but yeah....just think about it. :) 

Well, I think that sums it up. I LOVE YOU ALL my sweet blog readers! Stay tuned for tomorrow!

March Blog Challenge Day 11- Where I want to be in 10 years

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Day 11- Where I want to be in 10 years!

Well this one is hard because honestly I feel pretty content, I mean sure I want some more things out of life, who doesn't? But honestly I love my life right now! haha. I will give you a few wishes I have and what I think would be lovely to have haha.

* I would like to build a home. In other words...I want to move...I want to build and use my love for creativity! I want to be able to make my house OURS and make it how I want it (of course with the say of my husband...he deserve a say in how I do it right?) :P

* I would like another child....I am hoping that will happen sooner than later, but yes....I want another baby....I love my sweet Ember...but it's time. Lol.

* I want a bigger vehicle...my little Toyota Corolla just isn't doing it for me anymore....sure there are only 3 of us...but it's STILL WAY TOO SMALL! I am thinking a Honda Pilot....

* I would like to be skinny again....Well not skinny fat...I want to be TONED! of course I SHOULD be able to do that...now if only I could be motivated! Haha.

Well....there are a few things that I would like within the next 10 years...haha HAPPY BLOGGING! I LOVE YOU ALL! Stay tuned for tomorrow!...It's PET PEEVES! HAHAH I have a few...but really I am an easy going person...still wouldn't you like to know? HAHA

March Blog Challenge Day 10- Favorite Childhood Book

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Day 10- Favorite Childhood Book

Okay, So I am sure this one had to be hard for Shantel seeing as she is the book border....me? NAH! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE TO READ, I mean one summer I seriously read 17-18 books....no they weren't small books...they were pretty good sized. Lol. Hmmmm my favorite would have to be ANY of the Anita Stansfield books. They are like Jack Weyland (ANOTHER GREAT WRITER). Romance novels....NO THEY AREN'T NASTY! Get your mind out of the gutter. They are Lds Romance Novels. I love them! I had a whole collection of them.....hmmmm...wonder where they went? ?:/ Anyway....GOOD READS! LOVE THEM! 

Well I am off to bed...(Just got back from the gym), but as always I LOVE YOU MY SWEET BLOG READERS! Can't wait to read yours....although you probably already beat me in writing yours haha!

March Blog Challenge Day 9- 20 Things About Me

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Day 9- 20 Things About Me

Okay so I realize this was for yesterday and that I am a bit behind but I had a fabulous dinner that I got to attend (Birthday dinner with in-laws! THANK YOU BTW! It was delicious!). I didn't get home until later at night...so here it is. (AND ps....this is hard for me...I don't know why, but it just it. AAAANNNDD I am sure you already know a lot of these!)

1. I was adopted....yes. I went into foster care when I was five and was adopted at the age of seven...yes I remember a lot from before...(They always ask if I do.) Haha. 

2. I skipped 7th and 8th grade...yes I went from 6th straight into crazy high school. Was it scary? YES! AND BOY TO I HAVE STORIES! Can you imagine...a flat chested little girl going to high school....I got freaking pillows thrown at me and made fun of....if the people who did that ever read this blog....I STILL AM HOLDING A GRUDGE! It has messed me up more than you know.....sad...yes I know I am pathetic...but it has.

3. I nannied in New York (East Hampton) I LOVED IT! I wish I could go there again! I got to go to St Martins and many other amazing places! THANK YOU MY DEAR SWEET NANNY FAMILIES! ALL OF YOU! I have loved every single one of you! MISS YOU ALL! MWWAH!

4. I HATE SEAFOOD! Yes....I HATE HATE HATE IT! NEVER ASK ME TO EAT IT! I WILL BEAT YOU! Jason and his dad always tease me about it....it's disgusting though! YUCKY YUCKY!

5. I LOVE VOLLEYBALL...AND SOFTBALL....but mostly volleyball. I could play volleyball all day! Even if it means spraining my foot super bad! HAHA (Thanks church ladies! IT WAS A BLAST!

6. I have 3 piercings...yes I am a bit of rebel. I have my ear lobes and my cartilage pierced and secretly have always wanted my tragus pierced  but will obviously probably never do it. lol

7. I have so many siblings I can't even remember their birthdays...I quit after Hollie....sooo I tend to forget the rest. Sorry (Dennis, David, Brodee, Keygan, and Sammy!)

8. I lost a brother last year. Big Rig. He was a super cute little thing. We miss him lots!

9. I LOVE CAMPING!

10. I love any outdoor things really....OOOOH...I LOVE WATER SKIING! I love water. I wish I lived in Hawaii....seriously.

11. When I was a nanny, I use to swim at almost midnight every night with the other nannies and friends...well a little later after I got back home my nanny family posts pictures a great white had washed up on shore....uh....YEAH FREAKY!

12. I had my hair long once upon a time..seriously down to my butt....I chopped it and have only gone shorter (I am now just barely trying to grow it out a little...only for Jason though....seriously)

13. I am an online shopper....its bad actually. I might be an addict... D:

14. I almost never buy anything full price. This is why I am an online shopper. I see something I want...I will search for it online just to get the lowest price! BARGAINS BABY! 

15. I LOVE Deseret Industries....Jason and I go at least once maybe twice together....I go plenty in between! 

16. I LOVE CRAFTS! I could spend all day doing a craft....

17. I have friends.....Haha jk..I'm sure you all knew that....however....I HAVE A BEST FRIEND (Other than Jason...), her name is Dashia King....Yes.....you probably already knew that too...haha

18. I hate water....yeah....I know...THAT'S SO BAD! But seriously....ask me...I can only get it about 2-3 cups of just straight water on a good day....the rest is flavored water and juices.... D: I'M SOOOO BAD! :( Don't judge me.

19. I GAG at everything...ask Jason. I can smell our dog Denim from a mile away and tell Jason how bad he stinks and then start gagging....yeah..It's bad.

20. I AM AWESOME!.....Haha jk....I LOVE GARAGE AND YARD SALES! If I could I would live in Arizona (Mesa) just to go to yard sales....THEY ARE DA BOMB! And I find some pretty awesome stuff! 

WELL THANKS FOR READING! As always I LOVE YOU! Stay tuned again for today's blog......since this was yesterdays....or at least supposed to be! hahah.

March Blog Challenge Day 8- Proudest Moment

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Day 8- Proudest Moment

 

I have so many proud moments I can't pick just one being the PROUDEST moment, but I can share a proud moment. I think I will pick giving birth to my baby (not so baby anymore) girl Ember Brinlee Marlow. Yes. I remember during delivery after pushing for 10 seconds laughing and telling Jason I love him (the nurse laughed and said, "Oh to be young and in love."). 12 1/2 pushes and she was OUT! AMAZING! I didn't want to look like a baby and start crying, but it was definitely hard not to when I saw Jason bathing her. I loved watching that special moment, and right there...I was so proud to say that I married the perfect guy for me, and had just delivered a healthy little girl.....I was on the right track and was ready to begin a new chapter. (Even if it meant colicky being it in....YIKES!) I was a happy wife and mother at that time (still am of course lol). AND VERY PROUD! 

Thanks for reading my blog sweet readers! Until tomorrow! And as always...I LOVE YOU ALL!

March Blog Challenge Day 7- First Celebrity Crush

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Day 7- First Celebrity Crush

Okay so this may sound weird, but I seriously did not have one. I wasn't one of those girls. I was the type of girl that wanted to play football, softball, v-ball, and all the sporty things you can do as a kid. Who has time for crushes when you are too busy being awesome? Haha. jk. But for real, I didn't have one. I DID however have a voice crush....is that even a thing? I had a couple...haha you can't blame me though....SERIOUSLY I love a guy with an amazing voice...

So my first one 

yes....Josh Groban. THIS GUY CAN SING! I remember as a kid when we could do song requests (I mean we still can...I just don't) on the radio...I would almost always want to hear To Where You Are...or You Raise Me Up....yup...definitely an amazing voice!

Second....get ready...HIS IS AMAZING...

JOSH TURNER! Okay really, his song, "Would You Go With Me"...? YEAH I LISTENED TO IT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! AMAZING....I don't know if its because of his super low voice or what but oooooooh SOOOOO AMAZING. HAHAHA

Well there are my first "voice" crushes. Lol. Jet over to http://meandyouplusru.blogspot.com/2014/03/day-7-first-celebrity-crush.html and read hers! HAHAHA! They are pretty good....(she still secretly has a crush on the second one ;) ) Just ask her! AHAHAH! 

AS ALWAYS Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for tomorrow aaaand...I LOVE YOU!

Thank You Scott For Making My Day!

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So today I went to the Doctors to get on some medication for my crazy off thyroid. I just have to thank my friend for helping me out with those labs. It has seriously helped me soooo much! (SO THANK YOU!) I took them to Leavitt's Women Healthcare and they were SOOOO good to me! (Like always) She (the PA) was pretty upset that the doctor I went to first didn't check my thyroid. She was so surprised by the results that she actually called the lab here in Blackfoot to make sure they were right.... She came into the room and started to talk to me about EVERYTHING. She explained it all so so well. I broke down a few times lol, but they were there to give me tissues. I know...I'm lame. So she felt my thyroid. I have a huge goiter! How I didn't catch it myself is beyond me. I didn't even know what I should have been looking for I guess. Ha ha. They put me on a high dose of thyroid medication and told me everything I needed to know (As far as if it didn't go away, I would be sent to a ENT (Ear/Neck/Throat Doctor who specializes in that kind of stuff). I AM PRAYING it doesn't come to that. She also told me she is almost sure it isn't cancerous. (SCARY to think that it could be EVER...but I will agree with her and hope for the best. I am sure I am fine. :) ) We are all just hoping it will go down to normal size. So here's my OOO-RA to the waiting game (The wait to have it get normal before we move on to other things for getting me on track. :) ). I am super excited about feeling better and less tired. SUPER EXCITED!

So you are probably wondering about my post title. (If you can even see it) haha. Well today I was in Walmart going to get my prescription and I see Scott Robinson. He says, "Hi", and we talked for a brief moment and then I had to go up and talk to the lady about getting my stuff. After I was done and about to leave, Scott comes up to me and hugs me and says, "I just have to tell you how beautiful you are to me..." Yeah...if he ever reads this...I literally bawled when I got into the car. As I stated earlier in one of my posts, I just am not happy about how I look, I want to look and feel better (In my eyes). Of course we are our worst judges. HAHA.... ANYWAY, I want to give a special heart felt thanks to him. He is a special person that I am so grateful to have as a friend. If you ever need a pick-me-up, Scott is the person to find! The perfect example of a Christ-Like soul. I am so extremely blessed to have people like him in my life. Thanks Scott, you made my day! 

AAAND as always...thank you readers! You are all my inspiration! Thank you! Love you all!

March Blog Challenge Day 6- 10 Favorite Foods

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Day 6- 10 Favorite Foods

Okay so if you jet over to my sister's favorite food list, (http://meandyouplusru.blogspot.com/2014/03/day-6-10-favorite-foods.html?spref=fb) you will see how alike we are....NOT. HAHA Jk...I will say this....I was not a picky eater when I was younger...in fact before I was adopted...I was a crazy food hoarding type of kid...yeah my mom would find things in the weirdest places. I can't say I am the same way at all. In fact, just ask Jason...he will tell you how I gag at EVERYTHING. I am horrible now; I won't even "try" foods very often. Lol...I blame it all on pregnancy (Jason claims I have always had a bad gag reflex.) OKAY here we go:

1. I would have to say Olive Garden Salad.....okay and their Alfredo (I don't think I have really tried anything else but that...maybe a few other things). They seriously have the best salad EVER. When I tell Jason I want to go out to Olive Garden....it's usually for the salad. The Alfredo was just for take home so I could eat it the next day! :P  Who's with me?!?!? I mean seriously it's like heavenly salad....I bet there are heaven sent angels in that kitchen just for that deliciousness of a salad. Haha. 

2. KitKats....that's right. Ask Dashia, she will tell you...her and Zane ALWAYS bought me a package of KitKats when I came over....it was gone in no time at all (in fact one time I ate ALL of them and Dashia had asked for one...yeah I was embarrassed I didn't save her any! OOPS!) KitKats....Heavenly Chocolately Crunch in a bag! MMMMM YUMMY! DASHIA when you come this weekend....please bring me some! ;) Actually if anyone is feeling so generous.....I would be so grateful to you for bringing me a KitKat....THANK YOU! Lol

3. Chips and Salsa....better yet El Vaquero chips and salsa AND beans. Or if my Mashia would be so kind as to read this and make me her homemade salsa...that will work too! SOOOO delicious! 

4. Costa Vida grilled chicken salad. (Wish Bajios was still here because their Bajio Ensalada was AMAZING, Costa Vida's will have to do...it's close)

Maybe I should mix number three and four and just say MEXICAN FOOD! I am telling you, I am soooooo grateful for mexican food. I wish I could just hug the people that make it soooooo well! I wish I could cook good Mexican food....seriously....anyone want to teach me?

5. My mother in law's bread....yes....it's amazing. I could eat the whole dang loaf in an hour or less. AMAZING (Mashia, I love yours too, but I grew up with it my whole life.... hers is new to me lol......besides I have one for you that I love!)....Maybe I shouldn't let my Mashia read this.... :O

6. My Mashia's Lasagna...yes she makes AMAZING Lasagna....oh and fajitas....oh and smoothies...(UNLESS they are flaxseed...dearest mother I love you but it felt like a loogie was working its way down my throat...no bueno)

7. Sautéed Mushrooms...Weird I know, but they are AMAZING and I don't think anyone can make them better than my Fashia. He would cook up some amazing Sautéed Mushrooms...I could eat the whole pan thank you! Too bad I had to share....haha. Fashia...if you read this...I please call me when you make more..I am only a few miles away and will come over....definitely....

8. Tomatoes...yes. I LOVE TOMATOES...I love them plain, I love them on a sandwich...I even love them being the ONLY thing on the sandwich...sorta...here's what you do. You take bread...you toast it. You put butter on it and then pepper. Then you put your tomatoes on them...and salt them...then...this is the easy part...YOU EAT IT and you LOVE IT...Every yummy juicy bite...OH YUMMY!

9. Sweet Potatoes. Yes...I LOVE THEM. Especially the way Jessie Hamilton makes them. I didn't know that they could get better but this last year around thanksgiving, I tried a little bite of Reese's to make sure they were too hot when I warmed them up...yeah HEAVEN IN YOUR MOUTH! They had apples, cinnamon, brown sugar, sweet potatoes of course....and who knows what other delicious ingredients?!? So thank you Jessie for yet ANOTHER great dish (Did I tell you she brought over some yummy food the other day? Yeah...Jason came home for lunch...it was GONE! Seriously...DELICIOUS! THANK YOU!)

10. Okay so I have a lot of favorite foods and so picking this last one is HARD....but I will go with my sister's pumpkin cookies...(hint hint Shantel....you are coming tomorrow...you should bring me some! Ha ha!) She makes some dang good ones! Of course she would though...she LOOOOVES cookies! lol. 

OH CRAP....I have to do one more! I LOOOOOVE Yolky Eggs and Toast...I have always loved them and probably ALWAYS will....and guess what? It has passed on down to Ember...SHE LOVES THEM TOO! Lol!

Okay so now that you all know my favorite foods, or at least 10 of my favorite foods, feel free to make a menu for the week just for me and bring me all my favorite foods! ;) Thanks for reading! UNTIL TOMORROW! Love you guys!

March Blog Challenge Day 5- 3 Personality Traits I'm Proud Of

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Day 5- 3 Personality Traits I'm Proud Of

This one is hard for me. Like many people, I am one who tries to do my best all of the time, but find myself not very accepting of compliments, and this post I feel that I would be complimenting myself....Lol. I will try my best though. :) (Jason is going to love this!...I shouldn't but I tend to always shoot down his compliments....so that fact that I am doing this will amaze him!) 

Hmmmm what personality traits do I love about myself.....gee I feel like this could take forever! It's like asking a cocky gym rat what he hates about his body! HAHA....Yeah I can see that now..."Hmmm what do I Love?....Wait what...WHAT DO I HATE?? I LOOOOOVE MY MUSCLES, HECK I LOVE MY BODY!" I was watching this guy who was wearing spandex pants to make his butt look like a girls butt because his girlfriend claimed it was hard going out in public and having guys stare. Well he did this and he got so many stares, and then when he popped his head out of the trunk guys were like, "DUDE I thought you were a girl!" He would sit their and make fun of them and say, "You want to scratch a piece off don't ya? Don't ya?" HAHA. ANYWAY BACK ON COURSE...

The first thing I would have to say that I like is that I am a Happy-Go-Lucky. I am generally a very outgoing happy and bubbly person. I would hope that my friends would agree. I don't see a point in being negative...in fact it's way more work to be that way! Haha Why would I want to be!?!? I love the reaction that people get when I am so bubbly to the point of crazy! Hahaha....it makes my day!

The second thing would be.....my creativity. I am pretty sure that there are other people who are much more creative but I LOVE being creative. I love making something old into something new. I love learning new things and making new things (i.e..crocheting, sewing..etc), basically I love creating new things because I love learning new things. I LOVE painting and distressing...I LOVE IT ALL! (shhhhh don't tell my husband I just said I love painting....We still need the walls painted fully hee hee).

AND FINALLY....the third thing....hmmmm.....wow this one is much harder....uh...okay so I hate this but I am sitting here asking my sister about my traits....and she says, "What did mom always say??? OH YEAH...you were a peacemaker." I sat there and laughed because my siblings would always call me the "Perfect Child!" I should have considered it a compliment but it made me crazy! It was like she would say, "Why can't you be a peacemaker like Ashley?" and they would respond, "WELL I CAN'T BE THE PERFECT CHILD LIKE ASHLEY!" .....yeah I would get angry about it because I wasn't perfect I just didn't make my goal to be trouble maker everyday...haha, OH WAIT...Shantel would call it strong-willed, not trouble maker. :P

OKAY well this has been a lot harder than I would have liked, but I am just going to say for the last one....I like that I am usually always willing to help people and do anything I can to make them happy....even if it means getting stressed out about it to the point of going crazy! Hahaha. Seriously though....ask Jason...he is always making fun of me for it. He obviously doesn't feel bad when I get super stressed out about things because he says, "YOU NEED TO SAY NO!" :P

Okay! Well I can't wait to read everyone else's posts for today! See you tomorrow! :D