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This might sound very depressing and I don't expect anyone to read the whole thing.....I am having a hard time writing today as I found out devastating news a couple of days ago. Not many knew (and for good reason obviously) I was pregnant. It was a blessing that I thought wasn't going to come for a very long time. As most of you know, it takes me a while to become pregnant....I hate to call it a fertility problem....but in a sense, I guess it is just that. I started taking my levothyroxine, and all of a sudden I realized I hadn't started...well knowing me, I don't jump right on the pregnancy test because I am ALWAYS in denial. I waited about 10 days past my period and finally decided to ask the nurse if the levo could mess up my periods like that...she said no and to come in. Well....I had a weird feeling to go get a test...came home, took it and couldn't believe what I was seeing. A positive. It was crazy because the positive came up faster than the test line! I had to take 2 more during the week to make sure I wasn't going crazy. I went into the doctor for some back pain...I received an early ultrasound...A HEARTBEAT! 131....the tech said that it was strong at 6 weeks 5 days. I was ecstatic! She also found a 7X5X6 cyst (I figured there was one, I had it with Ember and it caused me to bleed the whole pregnancy with her)...well time started passing...I started to get sick. Yup good ol' morning sickness, and then as weeks passed I started to feel no connection between me and the child...of course I was worried. I asked my dad and Jason for a healing blessing for my cyst. In the blessing I remember my dad specifically saying that the baby would grow and develop normally....I was so relieved!...well slowly I started feeling more pain around 10.5 almost 11 weeks....I started spotting. It was brown....but a lot of it....I just kept reminding myself of the blessing and I would immediately feel relieved....well I went in to the Blackfoot women's center just for peace of mind....they checked me and said everything looked great. I went home. Wednesday I had my actual appointment with Leavitt Women's healthcare and told them that I wasn't feeling sick anymore (Which was last friday that it truly stopped)...they took me in the waiting room and I start hearing them talk about my history outside the door...I became worried...they came in and said to get an ultrasound...She checked my ovaries...my right was fine...my left abnormal...cyst hadn't changed. She then looked and saw my cervix...she said it looked great......for a minute I had hope....then I saw the sac and before she could even say anything...I knew....it didn't look right. The baby died. I was 11 weeks. I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. The timing just seemed so right. Shantel is pregnant...and we were a week apart just like last time....it was like this blessing in disguise....and I thought to myself..."that's why it was taking so long.... it was just timing.....".....
Well.....I find myself in this emotional roller coaster that I can't seem to get out of. It sounds bad, but I have to say I don't understand blessings anymore. It's taking my all not to be angry at everyone including the Lord. Every time I try to pray I can't seem to say "Heavenly Father" without getting upset and full of anger.
I had surgery yesterday (Dilation and Curettage)....I was so scared but I also knew that I needed to get the baby out. I went in and I was given the sedative...they had to give me two syringes because the first one didn't do the job...they usually say you fall asleep before the doors...no...I remember going in and seeing everything. They gave me another and I remember going from a small laugh to just crying...and them telling they were going to take good care of me...laying my arms out...and then what felt like moments later waking up cramping on the bed....(by this time I was already out. The surgery was done)...I was so tired I knew I wanted out of the hospital but it was taking my all to wake up. My back was hurting...cramps...I had no energy to even cry. I could barely talk... I finally found the strength to slowly (With Jason's help of course) get dressed so I could leave. I got into the car and remember looking at my self...I looked yellow...I could see my freckles on my face too well. I was just out of it. We got to Jason's parents and Joanna came said, "You are pale...you lost quite a bit of blood." She said she thinks I lost more than the doctor thought....all day yesterday I was afraid to sleep. I didn't want to sleep and not be able to wake up. I hate that feeling so I pushed all day until last night when the pain started up again (I was on some heavy drugs to help with pain)....I finally thought to myself, "I can't do it anymore...I need to sleep..."
I wake up and I still feel completely out of it.... I remember after finding out the devastating news...feeling like people thought I wasn't suppose to feel the way I was feeling. I wanted to scream...the anger was building...I kept thinking of ways to basically make myself/body stop hurting....I thought, "I'm going to run that 5k that I signed up for, I haven't been exercising but who cares, the baby is dead and I want to run until I pass out." I kept thinking, "I want to go to the gym and just workout to the point of no feeling. I want the weight I have already gained...gone....I want it to be like it never happened...."...I have a baby shower coming up that I am doing in a week....I pray I will get through it without tears....I have another baby shower I am attending in June...also hoping and praying I will be over it by then....My sister is pregnant..one of my best friends....one of my cousins....I feel like it's all around me....
The emotions are back today....I can't seem to stop crying. I want to feel better. I don't expect people to feel bad for me...but I do want others who have gone through this same thing or who will go through this to read this and KNOW that it's okay to feel angry...it's okay to cry. It was a person...it was YOUR baby and now it's gone. I have a really good friend who told me this. She has gone through this experience....and to have her comfort me in the way she did...will always mean the world to me.
The cyst is still there. Insurance won't pay for the procedure...thousands of dollars to get it removed. Unless it ruptures....It will be there and cause pain. It feels like it will be a constant reminder......we will never have the money to do tests and figure out why my body is rejecting things and why it's having such a hard time....so here I am once again wondering why I am here.....and wondering if my Sweet Ember was just my one lucky baby who made it despite what was working against her..........so...heres to another long waiting game....trying to keep my head up, maybe we will have a rainbow after the storm.
I have much to be thankful for though. My family....my sweet friend Jessie brought us dinner the day I found out. She is amazing. All the support I have had thus far from everyone means the world me....I want everyone to know that...even if I don't show it right now.
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