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As I sit here thinking about how much I want another child and how lost I feel from losing one....I can't help but think how social media is becoming the death of me. The death of a grieving mother. I feel like I should be over it, it's been almost a month...well 3 weeks I guess. I find myself playing it over and over again in my mind. The ultrasound, the tech, the d&c, the pain physically and mentally..... "The baby is gone...." (Sure I know I will have someone tell me....oh he/she isn't gone, you will be able to raise them in the second coming...I KNOW! It still hurts...)
I have gotten on Facebook obviously enough times during the week and it seems like every time I get on....ANOTHER friend is pregnant..."Coming December 2014"....when my baby would have "come" as well. So forgive me if I just want to cry every time I see those....I get to watch my own sister, cousin, and best friends have theirs...while I sit in misery always wondering why my body is having such a hard time. Sure I can put on a happy face and act like all is well....but no...here at home I find myself constantly falling apart. Is it depression? I guess it could be....I have never had these feeling until recently....not that it would matter if it was...we can't fix it right now.......we can't even fix the physical things....Last night I found myself finding person after person announcing their pregnancy....."UGH" DECEMBER 2014.....(I pretty much typed this in that moment @)!$ Lol....it would have looked like I swore...although sometimes I feel like I could...NO I WON'T THOUGH. is was simply 2014 in caps...oops)....I finally decided I needed to get off of the computer for my own sanity....so I went to sleep feeling like crap. I woke up this morning and thought..."Pinterest! Pinterest is always a good way to relax and get the crafty ideas going..."....YEAH FREAKING RIGHT....I wake up to a friend (No I won't say who...) pinning EVERY maternity outfit possible...(can I just say...Kudos to them for already thinking about that when their baby is so young.....:) ) ....and every "baby" related pin possible.... THIS IS WHY SOCIAL MEDIA IS THE DEATH OF A GRIEVING MOTHER....yes....that was my last straw...I mean of course I can't tell people what to pin....that's their choice lol.... ( I was just thinking about this...and I am sure people are going to read this and think..."Oh that was me" even if it wasn't them. Lol)....I finally broke down...again....I started to tell Jason that I finally know what depression really feels like....(HE LAUGHED....he's a guy...sure...BUT HE LAUGHED!)....I wanted to beat him....I really did....I finally blew a cork...(poor guy) I told him that he would NEVER understand...he always laughs at me when I am serious about something seriously (That sounded weird...oh and he really does do that...he seriously laughs....I shouldn't feel so angry about it because mens brains are pretty much set to block out any and all emotions....but it still hurts...HELLO!)
Basically what I am getting at....is it might be time to hang up social media for a while....BUT OH BOY...it's almost like an addiction....or habit I guess....I automatically just find myself on it...haha...it's like the piano...I played it long enough its like my fingers already know what to do even when my brain isn't thinking about it...(or doesn't seem to be anyway)....my hands literally pick up my phone/computer and start typing in FACEBOOK.COM...and all those others. lol....Wow.....Einstein was right....this technology is making a generation of idiots. Haha
I feel like I have so much to say because I need to get it all out...I could talk about EVERYTHING...seriously things like parenting someones child...I might get some serious backfiring on this but I mean really though.....if she hits you.... first...realize she is 2 years old....any toddler is going to act that way...DON'T MAKE HER CRY IN FRONT OF ME.......at least let me do that...so I can talk to her about it....I'm sorry I didn't see her hit you, but if you are going to tell her not to hit you....do it in a way that she understands... often times she has to be talked to and dealt with in a different manner than you are used to....Love and logic my friend. She is a different child than what most are used to...ASK ANYONE...they see how hard she can be to help. She has this naturally angry personality that I am not even used to. Sometimes when she hits (YES I HAVE TALKED TO HER...but you can only say it so many times...and YES...I have put her on time out for it too) she isn't doing it to be mean...she gets a little stir crazy and will get intense...you've seen it...and I am sure my kid isn't the only one! The period between 18 months and 3 years is a growing period...and crazy time... they are trying to assert themselves and communicate their likes and dislikes...they want to independent. At this age most are just beginning to REALLY understand things like sharing and taking turns. I don't want my child scared of learning these things..even though sometimes these stages are hard...I want my own child to go through them. I want her to become her own person. They are learning how to communicate and so one time she may be in a fabulous mood and say, "Will you please get me a drink...please and thank you" (Yes with her so cute "th" sound.), in another situation at another time she may be angry and frustrated...maybe tired...and resort to immediately yelling at you...hitting you...grabbing, kicking, and all those nasty emotions...this is her simply telling us, "YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO ME..GET AWAY" She is in overdrive and needs a break...this happens often....seriously, I watch it EVERYDAY..
I love her to death and I AM TRYING TO TEACH HER TOO...so please...realize that I am the parent...not you....talk to ME if you have a problem...(Btw..readers realize that most of the time this happens...it's not by people who watch her on a regular basis...it's people OUTSIDE that do this who do not see her all of the time)...sooo PLEASE DO NOT MAKE HER CRY AND SCARED OF YOU...she will only grow up to hate you...I feel like I have been passive enough about this situation...I am finally speaking up. Here is another...if she wants you to play with her but you don't want to...TELL HER NO...she can cry...it's okay. She can learn to be creative and go find something to play with (She has been much better about doing that as of late so help her continue please)....if you don't like her crying...I'm sorry but I am sure your mother let you cry...and you still love her right? Yes. I play barbies with her and my little pony....heck I have played "imaginary friends" with her....I teach her the best I can...I mean how many 2 year olds know all of their shapes (including octagon, crescent, and hexagon), letters AND SOUNDS? Yes....I work with her believe it or not. (Next on my list....hopefully writing her name...she doesn't like coloring or drawing much though...)....I guess what I am trying to get at is....please if you have a problem come to me. I am the parent....not you. You won't find me parenting your child...believe me...UNLESS you do not quit...then I will do it so you know what it feels like. I give permission to those who watch her on a regular basis to discipline her when I am not there...THEY KNOW HER...they have watched her enough to know what her personality is and how to deal with it....(in other words...Joanna Marlow...I give you permission lol ....you understand her I am sure of it, and I have watched you do it, and I feel you are pretty dang good about it. Lol...she seems to learn quite well with you around.)
I could go on about this issue as I have come across many situations...and I am sure I could probably get a lot of feedback (Seriously...sometimes I feel like people want to tell me I am a bad mom...but I can only say that I am trying...just like every parent out there...and I am sure I am not the only one that faces these challenges) I hate mom wars....I really do....and I find myself in them sometimes...it's not a "my child is better than yours" though...it's hard to explain....it's more like, "I'm the parent of my child and I am trying...so stop it and pay attention to yours and how you want yours to grow up." AND PLEASE...FAMILY AND FRIENDS...if you don't want to watch my child when I need to go to am appointment...please feel like you can say "no".... if you ever feel like we are invading your space...PLEASE TELL US. :) I won't be offended.
Oh and readers I just want thank anyone who has ever watched her...she is a "fun" one.....and I know it can be hard.
I find myself jealous of people who have these perfect babies who hardly cry, will play by themselves...who were able to breastfeed..and who are naturally happy children....but then I have to remind myself...my child is smart...she is her own person...and I am proud of her. I am proud to be her mom. HER MOM...yes you heard me...I am the parent. lol
RANT OVER....
Thanks for reading...and as always...until next time...and...I LOVE YOU! :)
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