March Blog Challege Day 13- Something I Struggle With...

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Day 13- Something I struggle with...

Okay, so I am sure everyone has seen this picture....I am not fat...I realize that, however I do know that I am not toned. I have the extra fat around my butt, thighs, (I mean seriously...it's dimpled...that's when you KNOW you are not in a good state...haha) and now even my arms (my face always seemed fat to me....so we won't even go there). This is something I struggle with. I struggle with my body. I am sure there are plenty of girls out there who are in my same boat. When I was about 12-13 right before lunch as I was standing in the lunch line, I would put my hands around my waist to "measure" how skinny I was....(yes I know...dumb). This would determine how much food I was allowed to eat...13 years old and doing this crap!?!? ALREADY? Yeah I know.....super sad. When I went to New York, (Not many know this) I started gaining weight like CRAZY....when I came back home I was 155lbs. I wasn't happy with my body...I used the throw up method while in New York...I used weight loss pills, I tried not eating...ANYTHING that I could think of. I came home started working out, and got back down to about 135lbs. I got married to Jason (I don't think the poor guy knew how bad it was), and continued to workout (twice a day most days, burning about 1100 calories) and got down to 116lbs...SUPER SUPER SKINNY! Everyone said I was TOO skinny. I could see that I guess.......but I will admit that was the BEST I had ever felt! Knowing that I had close to NO fat on me....was a good feeling...

Now....everyone at some point has to wonder...where do these feeling come from? Well I can tell you....when a family member says, "Oooh Ashley, you are getting a  little bigger" (as they hit/squeeze your butt or thighs)....when you date STUPID boys who say things like, "She isn't physically satisfying enough" (YEAH I felt like CRAP....I think it was because I didn't kiss him for 3 months during our dating period...HE WAS MY FIRST REAL KISS!...Yeah...I will go with that to make me feel better...I WAS NOT A NAUGHTY girl...I wasn't easy to get...too bad he didn't like that lol....) UH EXCUSE ME? And then when another wants you to sit on his lap and you simply say, "I don't want to hurt you,"....thinking he will be sweet about it...NO he says, "Don't worry, YOU HAVE ENOUGH CUSHION..." Uh....not what I was hoping for!!!.....I got pillows thrown at me in high school (YES PILLOWS) and boys would call me "flat" (I was 12-13 years old!!! Of course I didn't have my full set of breasts yet!) ...Yeah...I sure know how to pick em....good thing I got smart...and FINALLY found a good one...except...I already felt destroyed...my poor poor husband. I get dressed in the closet...I don't think he has ever seen me full on naked in the light...EVER....yeah...little things from the past....have caused this so called "struggle"....I find myself still holding grudges against these people at times haha. I want to feel happy with my body, I truly do, but I have found that this is , and will always be MY struggle. I don't wish this on anyone....ever. I am currently working hard on this, and am hoping to be better....but now you know...my weakness...(well one of many hahaha)....my struggle....SOOOOO Now with that said...I regret eating some of that girl scout cookie shake....HAHA....however it was AMAZING! LOVE RUPES! YES I DO! Lol...

ALSO one more thing....I try my hardest to keep this struggle unknown from my own child for her own sake. I want her to know that she is beautiful inside and out....I think it's working thus far...lol...she always tells me she is beautiful....(She also tells me that I am beautiful...:) It makes my day!)...She deserves to think she is beautiful and deserves to feel good about herself everyday!

SO...GET YOUR RIGHT SIZE...YOUR SIZE...NOT SOMEONE ELSES!! ;)

ANYWAY....thanks for reading! Stay tuned for tomorrow!!!!! As always I LOVE YOU MY SWEET SWEET BLOG READERS! See ya tomorrow! :D