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I debated hard on whether or not I should write this, so bear with me here. As most people know, I am generally a very bubbly outgoing (at least I try to be) person. Well, these last couple/few (Jason claims its been longer) months, I have found myself in a downward spiral. I wake up most days and before I even get out of bed I am tired. I find myself always wondering if I am being a good wife and mother. I sit there and cry about anything and EVERYTHING, and feel that I am not good enough for my family. I look in the mirror every day feeling extremely unhappy with how I look. I know, I know, "Ashley you look good,"...yeah most people say that to me when I say something like that. I am not trying to get attention though....I truly want to look and feel better about myself. I have gained 12.4 lbs in 2 months....and it keeps rising. I can't seem to find the energy to keep going some days....definitely just not my normal self. I know its about that time to have another child, but since I do not have the energy nor do I feel good about myself inside or out, I feel that maybe for the world's sake I shouldn't have anymore. LOL I want my children to feel like a million bucks. I want them to know that I love them by how I show them (i.e playing games with them, reading to them, having fun with them). These days I feel it takes my all to just get the house cleaned (ONE ROOM!). Of course I want another. Who wouldn't? Ember is pretty much to that age where she is pretty dang content. She is a smart girl who is super independent. She is potty trained both day and night....so why not right? Well here it is....I can't have another...not yet. Unfortunately my body won't let me. It took us a while the first time and....well little does my family know, last year we were just letting it happen (of course I knew in the back of my head that it would take forever, so I wasn't worried about getting pregnant), but when you really do start charting and nothing happens for months and months...you start to really feel depressed, because your body is just not working how you want it to. As I sit here and cry about the situation at hand, I can't help but feel mad at people who have baby after baby with no problems and then complain about having them. I mean sure I know I complain about Ember when she is being a little turd, but in reality I LOVE having her. I love how smart she is, and I know that I am so blessed to even have her. I was lucky to get her. She took forever to get here! Sometimes I think about when I was delivering her and the doctor had said she tied two true knots in her cord....if she'd pulled any tighter, she wouldn't be here....I am so thankful for her. I may be feeling sorry for myself but sometimes us women who have a dang hard time getting pregnant wonder "WHY AM I HERE?" isn't the reason for being here on this earth to help bring Heavenly Father children into this world? To help them grow and learn...to give them bodies so they can return with him again? I HEAR ALL ABOUT IT IN CHURCH....I am sure people wonder why in the heck I don't have another already....I KNOW THEY DO...but little do they know....I AM TRYING....and this is where my true depression sets in. I never knew what depression really felt like until recently, when I found out that I have a thyroid problem. Yes, I finally got my blood work done and my thyroid is all outta whack. On a scale for TSH of 0.34-4.820....I am a 10.444...and for FreeT4 my normal range should be anywhere from 0.89-1.76....I am a 0.84....I have hypothyroidism. Its under active. This can affect just about everything! Lol. Explained why I am so tired all of the time, why I was all of sudden gaining more weight, why I am cold all of the time, why I am not getting pregnant, and why I am feeling depressed. I am not feeling myself at all! I told my mom this and my aunt (who also has hypothyroidism) and they laughed and said, "Are you sure its not HYPER-thyroidism?" meaning I should be more fat...haha. That made my day. My friend even said, " I would have never guessed my how skinny and bubbly you are." Yes well, I now have only one pair of pants that fit me. I hide myself behind clothing (THANK YOU COLD WEATHER, I get to wear big heavy clothing! Haha) As for the bubbly....I have to thank Heavenly Father for the extra bubbly I got blessed with haha...I am surprised I have any left!
Well now I get to go in and get on synthetic hormones to balance me out. I get to go in every so often (more than I'd like) to get my blood tested to make sure they are giving me the right dosage. I am excited to get back on the right track but I won't be able to get pregnant for a while still...it will take quite a few months just to get the right dosage and then probably a few more to "try" and we all know the percentage/chances of getting pregnant are already pretty slim...yeah well they are super slim for me. I feel for people who cannot have children of their own at all. I sat and bawled at the thought that I was going to be one who struggled with getting my own. I finally had to have my Fashia give me a comfort blessing to calm me down as I was stressing about it constantly. SO with all of this out in the open...don't judge me. Haha. I am trying to be a better person altogether...inside and out. I have to trust in the Lord that everything will work itself out. I am sure I could tell you all the negatives I am feeling, but I am sure to get the idea. ;) ALSO while in the process of all this if there is anyone that would like to become my workout buddy (I am at anytime fitness) PLEASE TELL ME....I figure if I am not going to get pregnant anytime soon, I am going to get my body back for summer! ;) I promise I won't be bawling the whole time. :)
I hope this blog made sense, and I hope that this will help anyone else out there who might be feeling the same way....you aren't alone. :) Thanks guys! :D LOVE YOU ALL!
ashley, i get it...ok not the thyroid bit, but the baby bit. the yearning, the wanting the pleading with heavenly father. eight long years came and went before my sweet rye came along. i struggled with those same questions day in and day out...why? when I actually got pregnant, it was hard for me to believe, months of trying turned to years and to be honest, there were no answers...so frustrating. I ne er wanted something so baldy and i would get angry whenever i heard someone announce their pregnancy...you suck. anyway, hind sight is 20/20 and you have to keep in mind that Heavenly Father has a plan and his time table is most definetly NOT the same as ours. sometimes he is testing us and waiting for usto have faith. i now know why he made me wait, it's all about the timing...and he was waiting on me to get right where i needed to be so i could love and teach this boy of mine. second time around was much easier, John and i talked about another baby and bam, there was my darling taos.it'll all work out, it always does. you are young and you will get this thyroid business figured out, be patient. don't worry about what others think, it doesn't matter. keep praying, go to the temple. going there was the best therapy for me. you are beautiful, talented and kind, but most importantly, one of heavenly Father's children. he loves you, is aware of you and wants so much to bless you, but all in due time. hang in there girl, this is called the refiner's fire!!!
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