Help me to love again....
First I would ask that people not jump to conclusions....if you are pregnant I am excited for you...jealous really...I think everyone deserves to be able to fulfill their duty by being a mother. :) Its the best thing anyone could do. This is a hard blog post for me to write as I have to admit that I am a bitter persona right now.....but as I sit here and think about how happy of a person I seem to be, I can't help but admit that as of late I am very bitter about life. I am bitter towards family members and even close friends, VERY bitter. I will admit it and I am sure they see it. I feel as though I am alone in my fight. I pray everyday hoping to understand WHY I can't have another...and why on earth when I FINALLY DID get the first one...WHY SHE HAD TO BE SOOOO COLICKY! I will admit that there are often days that I can't help but feel bitter towards those who have these happy easy going children who just want to play and laugh and just have an overall easy temperament about them and then see the parent complain about how hard they are...(I mean have they met mine?)...and I can't help but feel bitter towards people who have a crazy easy time getting pregnant....VERY BITTER ( I know it's wrong to feel this way and that we all have our struggles, but like I said..this is hard for me to admit and that it's true). Ember is a very smart girl and I love her more than any person will ever know, but she is hard. When your own mother can see how hard YOUR child is....you know she is hard....she isn't like others...she isn't easily entertained...you can't easily make her laugh, she is easily offended, and easy to upset.....but she is perfect.... at least until she is 8 :P. She is perfect for me. She keeps me on my toes and reminds me how patient a person can really be lol. I love the time I get to spend with her everyday. I love that she wants to cuddle with me in my bed every morning when she wakes up, I love that she is smart and VERY observant, I love her little smile when she does get happy about things here and there. I love her smile when she feels like a princess and truly knows how beautiful she is. I envy her for that and hope that someday she can teach her own mother to love herself for who she is. Most of all...I LOVE THAT SHE IS MINE.
I want to feel love towards these people in my life, but I can't seem to shake this anger that is sucking me down. I have become this person that I am sure people walk on eggshells around. It's gotten to the point of not wanting to attend family get togethers (Honestly, Thanksgiving with Jason and Ember ONLY sounds amazing...) ....and basically withdrawing altogether. I love being around people...or at least I used to. I was having a really rough day just the other day....I mean it's like most days as of late I guess, but this particular day was just awful. I texted Jason and this is what he wrote, " I wish I could change things but I can't. I was surprised when we got E.B. because it took us a long time for her so it doesn't even surprise me that it's going to take us a long time again. Matter of fact I remember thinking in college that we might have to adopt and came to grips with it then."
As you can imagine....knowing how your fertility problems are effecting your husband....causing him to tear up when you both find out someone else is pregnant and you can't be that person....well let me tell you how it feels...IT SUCKS...IT HURTS! If it weren't for Ember...I wouldn't be here. She is my everything so forgive me when you see her and she doesn't seem very disciplined.....I am scared she will be my only and so keeping her close and happy is my goal.
See this.....
I guess I am going to stop here although there is so much I wish I could write....what I am trying to say is...please pray for me. I never ask for much from people...I almost refuse lol...proud you could say. Ha ha. For real though, please pray for me...and not that I will have another (You can if you want) but I need prayers to help me feel love towards others who I can't seem to love right now. I need to release the bitterness that is imprisoning my life...
Thanks for reading sweet readers...and as always...I LOVE YOU!
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